Anger, Tinsel, and 1000 Why's
More raw thoughts from the fog of grief. What do you do when the answers run out, the platitudes feel hollow, and you're left yelling at your phone and still talking to God? You keep writing. You keep healing.
More thoughts from my journal…
I said I would keep writing.
So here I am.
Still grieving. Still healing. Still trying to find light in the middle of all this fog.July 17, 2025
I don’t know anymore, God.
Today I woke up weepy. My Oura app told me my HRV was low. “Your mind or body has been under strain for a while.”
I screamed at it: “It’s death! It’s Fucking DEATH!”
I guess that’s anger. Or exhaustion. Or both.
I’m tired of the theology people keep handing out like tissues.
I know You didn’t cause this.
I know You weep with us.
I know I won’t know why.
I don’t need reminders today. I need something real.
And yet… the same God I screamed at let me see flickers of good:
In a sash.
In a blanket.
In a quiet dinner from friends.
In mermaid tinsel for two girls.
In a young Mystic counselor choosing pink to honor her campers.
That moment with Nola—putting sparkle in her hair, loving her without needing words—felt like purpose.
It didn’t fix anything. But it reminded me that love is still here.
And that maybe it’s okay to scream and believe at the same time.
I’m still asking why.
I probably will for a while.
But today, I’m clinging to the helpers, the light, and the tinsel.
That might be all I’ve got right now.
But maybe… that’s enough.
Rainbows After The Storm: Grieving, Hoping, and Showing Up Anyway
“Discipline isn't about feeling motivated. It's about showing up regardless.” — Lewis Howes
Thoughts from my current journal entries: July 9–14, 2025
Five days since the flood.
Five days since our community was shattered.
Six little girls gone—three of them my students. Over a hundred lives lost across the region. The grief is thick and muddy, like wading through sorrow that clings to your skin and weighs down your steps.
And tomorrow, we have Janie’s service.
There’s no script for how to do this.
I’ve walked through a lot of pain before, but this feels different. The ache of watching little ones go is unbearable. And trying to teach joy—trying to be light and strength for others—feels like dancing through fog. It’s disorienting. Raw. And so very real.
Our pastor said that anger is part of grief. I didn’t feel angry—not in the shouting sense. But I did go silent. I shut God out, not in rage but in numbness. I couldn’t hear Him over the buzzing of fear, the loop of “why, why, why” that played on repeat in my soul.
And still, He was there.
I started noticing the signs:
💐 A neighbor I barely know bringing flowers.
🎀 A handmade sash from someone who cared.
🍪 Cookies made in silence, shared in community.
🌈 A rainbow arched over the elementary schools—days after the flood.
Was it a coincidence? Or was it God whispering, “I’m here. I still bring beauty from ashes. I still keep my promises.”
I thought about Noah. How did he learn to appreciate rain again after watching the world drown? How did he not tremble at the sound of thunder? Maybe it was the dove. Maybe it was the rainbow. Maybe it was just waking up to a second chance.
And that’s what I’m clinging to now—a mustard seed of hope. That healing can happen. That joy can return. That camp will be holy ground for Graeme. That showing up to teach littles today—ironically in a camp called “Taste the Rainbow”—isn’t just a coincidence. It’s a nudge from Heaven.
Because rainbows don’t erase the storm.
They just remind us it’s over.
And that there’s still a future.
So today, I will show up again.
I’ll teach. I’ll cry. I’ll dance with toddlers and hug moms and lead a MELT class with eyes that might still be puffy. I’ll attend Janie’s funeral and try not to crumble when they talk about her smile, her light, and the way she danced through life.
And I’ll keep choosing surrender over understanding.
Because I don’t understand.
But I believe God is still here.
Even when the rain triggers fear.
Even when joy feels far away.
Even when the chair beside me felt empty for days.
He's showing up again. And so am I.
If you’re grieving too—
You don’t have to be okay.
You don’t have to call it acceptance.
You just have to keep showing up.
Let that be enough.
Remember this:
"The most underrated skill in life: The ability to show up, even when you don’t feel like it.” —Lewis Howes
Thoughts for you to Journal on:
What’s one small way you can show up for your life today—even if you’re in the middle of the storm?
I'm Still Here God...(Even if I can't hear you.)
When grief feels too heavy and faith starts to crack, love—real, raw, unshakeable love—becomes the only thing left to cling to. This is for anyone who’s been asking, "Where were you, God?"
“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” — 1 Corinthians 13:7
I’ve always believed in God’s goodness. I’ve walked with Him through some of my darkest moments and have felt Him near when I didn’t think I could go on.
But this week? This week I can’t find the words to pray.
A flood ripped through a beloved girls' camp—one where faith and joy were freely given—and six of the campers were students from our studio. One of them, Janie, held a special place in my heart. They all did. And just like that… they’re gone.
Since Friday night, I’ve scrolled and scrolled, hoping for something—anything—that might bring hope. But the updates only confirmed what my heart didn’t want to believe.
There are no answers. Only aching questions.
Where were you, God?
That’s not a rhetorical question. It’s a real one. Where were you when the river rose? When the cabins flooded? When little girls clung to each other, terrified?
My faith tells me You were there. That You caught them. That You carried them straight into a joy we can’t yet understand. But my humanity is still reeling.
I’ve sat with grief before. I’ve asked the Two Chairs questions:
Do You know the situation?
Is this too big for You?
Do You have a plan?
This week, I asked them again. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t have answers.
Because this feels too big. Because no plan could possibly justify this. Because even though I believe God knows, I don’t understand why He didn’t stop it.
Some part of me is whispering, "This isn’t too big for God." But most of me? Most of me is just hurting.
And yet—I’m still here.
Even if I can’t sit in my two chairs. Even if sermons sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher. Even if I can’t finish a blog titled Where Was God in the Flood.
Today, I opened Corinthians and found this:
“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – 1 Corinthians 13:7
That verse was a lifeline.
Love doesn’t eliminate grief. Love enters it.
Love holds space for doubt and sorrow. Love allows us to be both faithful and furious. Love doesn’t fix what’s shattered—but it stays. It bears. It hopes. It perseveres.
So that’s where I am right now.
I’m not standing strong. I’m clinging.
To the memory of these girls. To the hope that they were swept into God’s arms before fear could even register. To love.
So if your faith is shaken today, if your soul feels raw—I just want you to know: It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry out. It’s okay to not have the answers.
God isn’t afraid of your questions. He isn’t distant from your heartbreak. He isn’t asking you to perform strength you don’t have.
He’s love. And love is still here.
Even when I can’t hear Him. Even when I can’t pray. Even when I feel like I’m barely holding on.
I’m still here, God. And I believe—deep down—so are You.
Wrestling with the Concept: "Blessings go where God tells them to Go"
IF blessings indeed flow according to God’s direction, what about the presence of pain and suffering in our lives?
In my quiet time this morning I came across the quote, “Blessings go where God tells them to Go”. This one sits in my gut a little unnerved. I am not sure why either. So I decided to take to my journal and hash it out. Oddly I felt God nudging me to share my thoughts with you guys, so here goes nothing.
As I dive into the depths of scripture, particularly the book of Deuteronomy, my mind swirls with questions about this idea of blessings and God’s providence. The phrase, “Blessings go where God tells them to go” resonates deeply within me, yet it also bothers me. Any time my heart gets an unsettling nudge I decide to pick it apart. Today I am realizing this is not sitting right with me at my core because I feel it raises profound questions about the intersection of God’s will and human suffering.
This morning I find myself confronting the dilemma: IF blessings indeed flow according to God’s direction, what about the presence of pain and suffering in our lives? Does this mean that everything happens according to God’s plan and nothing happens by chance? What about the bad? Does the bad happen because of God’s plan? From my understanding of the book of Job, while God does “allow” challenges to arise, it is crucial to note that God’s ultimate protection preserved Job’s life.
The more I ponder this idea, the more restless I become. Maybe because our community has a family that has suffered a huge loss that is unexplainable and I want to scream, “did you allow that God?” This devastation in our neighborhood has left me grappling with this question on a visceral level. I can’t help but wonder, did God really allow such loss and sorrow? And as I reflect on the trials my own family has endured, I am confronted with the same uncertainty.
When I look at the world around me, I see many people suffering… I am sure you see that too. It is hard not to. I know deep down that each person's pain is their pain and we will never know how deep the cut goes unless we walk in their shoes, so I am not about to suggest anyone’s pain is less than another's. Because I believe, pain is pain is pain is pain.
I am wrestling with the notion that while blessings follow God's direction, He still permits pain. Can't He intervene to prevent it, alleviate illness, or divert disaster? And if so, why doesn't He?
Sometimes I get stuck in these difficult WHY’S and I have to look up and look deep within myself and say, “God, I do believe AND I need YOU to help in my disbelief.” Meaning, God, I know you are where the joy is. I know you delight in blessing, protecting, and loving us. I know you do not harm us. I know you are faithful to me even when I am unfaithful to you. I may not ever know the “Why” behind the pain on this side of heaven, AND I know that it is in times of pain that I need to lean in closer, because you really do have me.
It is in these moments of doubt and disbelief that I run to my two chairs and talk to God acknowledging to Him my struggles while affirming my faith. I do recognize that God is the source of joy and blessing, yet I do still struggle to reconcile this truth with the reality of human suffering.
This morning while struggling with this intersection of good and suffering, I stopped to remember myself as a kid and when I broke my leg in third grade. I will never forget my dad lying down next to me on the couch and me snuggling up to him and feeling so safe. I know it is the same with God. When our hearts are broken, we just need to lean in and God, our father in heaven, will help our broken hearts to heal and help us to feel joy again. I do believe that even in my doubt. Just as my earthly father offered reassurance when I was hurt as a child, I believe God offers the same comfort to His children in times of distress.
So, where does this leave us? Despite the darkness that surrounds us, I cling to the belief that blessing will ultimately align with His divine plan for our lives. Even when we can’t believe this because the pain is so deep, so real…blessings will come. I do believe this.
And though our journey through life may be fraught with uncertainty, I hold fast to the promise that light will pierce through the darkness, bringing hope and healing.
To my dear sisters who find themselves in the throes of pain and doubt, may I offer this message of encouragement: trust in God’s faithfulness, even when it feels like all hope is lost. Hold onto the flickering light in the darkness, knowing that God is with you, guiding you through the storm.
YOU ARE WORTHY and God’s love for you knows no bounds. Hold onto hope, for I know you may not believe this right now, but brighter days are ahead. I know deep in my heart that it is so hard to believe, but if you can believe one thing, believe this: God can and will help you in your disbelief. You just need to do one thing. Ask Him. That is it.
Say to Him, “God, I want to believe you have a plan for this terrible situation, but I don’t, so please help me in my disbelief.”
Every morning and every night, no matter how long it takes, go to Him with this simple ask that I believe in God’s eyes, embodies a prayer.
I trust without a shadow of a doubt, in your earnest seeking, you will find strength, peace, love, and the unwavering presence of God, guiding you through the darkest of nights into the dawn of a new day filled with little tiny miracles to give you hope and joy.
My prayer today: God, may the person reading this find comfort in your presence, and may Your blessings rain down upon them, restoring joy and peace to their weary soul.~Amen
I adore you wildly!
Worthy
The Genesis of a New Year
January 1, 2023…..where do I even begin? So much has happened in my life and my family's life. I am not ready to share yet. I will someday, you know I will. That is just who I am. I am an open book. Right, wrong, or indifferent, that is just me and my belief is by sharing my story, the good, the bad, the super ugly, well, maybe I can be there for someone who feels all alone at 2:22 am. Someone who wakes up and can’t catch their breath while the darkness is crashing in…maybe, just maybe, they can remember Worthy Heart and open up this blog and find hope somewhere….That is my dream. That is my wish. That is my prayer.
If you are new here, WELCOME! If you are one of my faithful followers, HI! I am back and what a day to come back. January 1 where there are so many possibilities ahead for you and for me.
My first question is why does it have to be January 1? Truth is, it does not. We can decide any day of the year, the month, or the week, today is the day. It Just happens, today is the day I will start my new beginning.
I personally decided today was my day because honestly the end of 2022 has been a total nightmare for me and for my family. Today I want to SURRENDER that nightmare to God and really get to know Him and myself in His eyes. After all He did create you and me and we are not mistakes, but if I am being honest with you, sometimes I wonder things like, “What could I have done differently? What could I have done better? Why did God make me this way? Why do I feel or think like this? Why is this happening to me? To my family? Did I do something to cause this?” These are real true thoughts of mine and here is something I hold dear to my heart….
We are all allowed to think, feel, say, and do whatever it is we need.
The secret is if we can tie it back to our Higher Power, which for me is God, then life will become a little less painful, a little easier, and we can see the beauty and goodness life has to offer.
If you know your higher power you can experience goodness even in the darkness. You can experience love even in hate. You can experience joy even in sorrow. You can experience hope even in despair. You know what else, you can even hate those you love and turn away from God and He will still love you. He understands and is compassionate and does not force something on to you in your pain. I truly believe this because these past three months…..well these past three months he has patiently loved me while I have cursed him and cryed out and anguish and it has been horrific, but let’s face it.
Life happens and sometimes it downright sucks!
But even in the midst of this pain I have seen beauty, I have found grace, I have seen blessings. I have seen the face of God and heard from Him. Somedays I really had to look for Him and/or goodness, but I found it and you will too. I promise.
The real question for me and maybe for you too is….
How will I spend my time in 2023
For me I will: Begin healing and learning to love me wholly. All of me. I will begin building the life I want and deserve. I will continue to love my three beautiful boys right where they are and who they are, never insisting on them being someone I need them to be so I can be whole. I will begin to trust that it is all going to be ok, better than ok. I will begin to forgive, but that does not mean I have to forget. I will be grateful even in dark moments. I will find something to be grateful for because there is always something to be grateful for, even if it is just the bird chirping outside my window or the parking space that miraculously opened up. Whatever it is, no matter how little or how small, I will be grateful and I will begin to truly live. Live my life, my beautiful life. Offering the gifts of love and light that I have inside of me. I have so much love and life to give and I will start by giving some of that back to myself and I will continue to add more sparkle in the world and be a light of hope because that is what really brings me joy.
So, 2023 will be just like any other year. There will be challenges, there will be easy moments, and God willing there will be miracles and if you would like to come along on the journey, welcome!
My prayer is that we will do this beautiful thing called life with Grace, Compassion, and Love.
Cheers to 2023 and new beginnings and Cheers to You!
YOU ARE WORTHY!
XO,
Amy
aka Worthy
PS. If you know someone that you feel needs some love, hope, or worthiness, share my blog….I would love to be a beacon of light in someone elses’s darkness…Lord knows I have had many beacons of light in mine….
Do we Need a National Grief Day Really?
National Grief Day? Are you kidding me? Do we really need a day set aside for Grief in the world we live in today? I would argue yes.
One reason is because, honestly, I feel our country is grieving. What are we grieving? Well, considering there is so many changes daily to what is going on with the pandemic, not to mention what is happening over in Afghanistan, from where I sit, I believe this country is no longer what it was. Will we ever get back? My heart wants to think so, but my head says no, so it is a loss and we are all experiencing it.
Which brings me to my next point. We will all see loss of a person, thing, or situation differently. We will feel it differently and we will experience it differently, which means we will grieve in our OWN WAYS.
Grief is funny. There really are no rules on how to grieve. No step by step guide. No time line. No do’s and don’ts. The only common denominator is someone or something was lost, and with that loss comes a void.
It might be the loss of a person, job, friend, someone moves, someone leaves, a diagnosis that causes your life to change, or a tragedy that changes your lifestyle. Whatever it is, the list can go on and on. The overarching theme remains, something is gone or different and will never be the same. That void, no matter how great or small, will effect each person differently.
Some people are lucky and adjust easily, for others it takes time and that timeline is different for everyone. Adjusting to a new way of life without someone, or a new routine is awkward and can be triggering. But, the good news is, over time a person will become better equipped to deal with the triggers. How much time, again, is anyone’s guess.
There are seven stages to grief and, like I said before, some will get through these stages quicker than others.
Shock and denial….disbelief and numbed feelings
Pain and guilt
Anger and bargaining
Depression
The Upward turn
Reconstruction and working through it
Acceptance and Hope
Do any of these sound and look familiar? Think of a time you experienced loss. Can you identify the stages in that loss? I know I can and I realize we all have to go through each step at our own pace and our own order. What is important is that we acknowledge this and give ourselves the grace to do it our way and in our own time to get to our acceptance and hope.
And there is HOPE!!!!!
Whatever type of loss you have suffered or are suffering know this; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. But by understanding the stages and the types of grief, you will find ways to cope and you will get through it.
How do I know this? Well, I, personally, have experienced it too much and I have found that Psalm 34:18 brings me comfort.
Psalm 34:18~The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
It is very clear from this verse that God understands if we are going through a trial or a loss we are going to be hurting, broken, and crushed. He wants us to know that is why He sent His son. Because there will be trouble and there will be loss, but He will not leave us. He is right here. He will not let us down. People, circumstances, things, well, those can and will let us down, but God is close when they do. He is right here with us in our suffering and in our losses. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! God is right here. When you can grasp that, you can then go through the stages of grief knowing you are not alone and He will give you the strength that only God can. From that strength will come a peace that this world will never comprehend. A peace that no matter the obstacle, no matter the block, no matter the loss, it will keep flowing just like that river that flows around and over obstacles….peace like a river….that is the peace I want, and that is the peace God wants for you too.
So on this National Day of Grief hold tight to God knowing that while this world is ill and will never be the same, God is. He will not forsake you and He is right here with you and with me. Even in the chaos, confusion, hate, distrust, and the loss…..God is with you and you can take all the time you need to grieve because you are not and never will be alone.
XX,
Amy
A Force
My Father was a force…..A beautiful, mysterious, yet humble force….one I will so miss.
Definition of Force: Strength or energy as an attribute of physical action or movement.
Definition of my F A T H E R
F-Fearless
A-Accomplished
T-Teacher
H-Hard-working
E-Empowering
R-Resilient
My Father,
F-Fearless. Not afraid to do anything. Not afraid to be anything. Not afraid to take an idea, start a company, feed his family, and provide a life for us that was so rich and full of love.
A-Accomplished. Married the woman of his dreams and stayed married to her for over 50 plus years. Four beautiful kids all grown, all successful, all happy. Thirteen beautiful grandkids, and five amazing great-grandkids.
T-Teacher. It is the law of radiation and attraction my dear. You get what you give in life. Best lesson he ever taught me!
Empowering-You can be or do whatever you want…it is your choice.
Resilient-He withstood any difficulty thrown his way and he did it humbly and with pride and always recovered from whatever difficult situation was present….and recovered with class. My father was one classy guy!
When I think of my father I think of a Fearless, Accomplished, Teacher, who was Hard-working, Empowering, and Resilient. That was Bob Foley! The man who always provided a safe a place for us. A place where we could learn and grow. An environment where we could be or do anything we wanted. A place where we felt loved.We always felt at home…. A home where we were safe to be anyone we wanted to be and do anything we wanted to do without judgement, maybe pushback, but no judgement.
My father was my first knight and shining armor. He was the man I looked up to and admired up until he took his last breath March 13, 2021. A day that will forever change me. The day my knight left this earth.
A day I never believed would come and a day I never saw coming. He was doing so good! He was so strong! He had survived a serious car wreck where he brushed death’s door. He survived raising four kids, and not just any ole kids, we ALL have big personalities! He survived a heart attack, the death of his wife, a broken neck, covid, and honest to God I really thought he would survive more! Why? Because he was a force! A force who will be sorely missed on this earth. A force who left his mark and what a mark he has left.
Four beautiful children who are all alive and thriving. Thirteen grandchildren and five great grandchildren, a company or two, and so many beautiful memories and lessons.
My dad was my first love and my forever hero. I will miss him but I know his energy is still here. It is in my heart. It is all around…I just have to be open and aware to receiving it, feeling it, and by God sharing it! I will too! I will shine brighter because my dad taught me too….
XO,
Amy
Mother's Day is coming...How do you feel about that?
Mother’s day is coming…How do you feel about that?
I am having ALL kinds of emotions.
On the one hand, my mom is gone which makes it hard, but honestly, each mother’s day gets a little easier. You know the old adage, “time heals". It really does, although I freaking hate that saying. With that being said, I have so many friends that this is their “first” and my heart hurts for them. I remember like it was yesterday. The first is the worse!
I think I feel more pain for my friend’s hearts this year than my own. I remember that pain. It’s like an open wound that is bleeding and you pour hydrogen peroxide all over it and it just foams with pain. I know you know what I am talking about and to my friends that are going through this pain I say write your mom a letter. I know it sounds crazy, but I promise you this, it works! It truly works. Get yourself a beautiful candle, a cup of hot tea, find a quiet spot and just write your heart out to your mama. Everything you wish you said, everything you know she knows, and anything else. Tell her how things are going, just like she is here. It sounds crazy but there is something so healing about journaling.
Another emotion has sprung up this year….
This year I find my heart is breaking for the woman who has miscarried or lost a child. I had the privilege of speaking this past week to the women of Twelve 12 Ministries. While this was such an honor it brought back so many feelings. Feelings from when we lost our angel baby.
I remember thinking will anyone remember I am a mom of three. At the time we lost our baby I only had Will and JP and I wanted people to remember I had an angel baby and I was a mom of three. Nothing has changed in those emotions except that now I am a mom of four and I can’t help but think of the beautiful women out there that have no babies on this earth, but they have angel babies and I am sure they are thinking the same thing. Or the woman like me who is blessed with children here on earth, but she too has an angel baby. I know what they are thinking and feeling…. Will anyone remember and will anyone see me as a mother? My answer to them is YES! I DO! I see you and you are a beautiful mom! You are not invisible.
I see you and I want to celebrate with you! I want you to celebrate you. No matter if your child was in your womb 6 days, 6 weeks, 16 weeks, born but not living, or born but left us too soon…No matter how long, they still lived and you still loved them, YOU ARE STILL A MOTHER, and Mother’s Day is for you too!
So, how are you going to celebrate? You can celebrate even if those around do or not.
I have an idea or two. First, write your sweet baby a letter. Just like I told my friends above writing is the key to opening up your heart and soul. Writing is therapeutic and can take you to places of freedom no one else can. Trust me on this. So write your beautiful baby a letter. Tell them how much you love them and let them know you are ok knowing they are watching over you. After writing your letter go outside, move your body, connect with nature, and look for your sweet baby in the sun, the flowers, and the trees. Maybe plant a tree or flowers in honor of your child. If creativity lights your soul on fire, get creative. Paint something, make something, choreograph a dance in your babies memory. Whatever creative outlet you choose, do it in honor of your baby. Getting creative can be so therapeutic.
Wherever your pain is on this mom’s day, pull out those photos and remember. Where ever those keepsakes or photos are, pull them out, look at them slowly and remember. Maybe start a keepsake box as a beautiful way to remember and celebrate those you are missing.
Buy flowers! Flowers always make a room brighter.
Visit wherever you use to go with your mom and remember those precious moments….or visit a place you wish you could have taken your child go….sometimes leaning into the grief is more healing than avoiding it.
And finally, if you know someone going through the same pain….text them, call them, or write them. You might know how they are hurting or feel forgotten. Tell her, you love her…you see her….listen to her….you both will heal.
But hear me when I say this…There is no guilt or shame if you do NONE of these things…I want you to feel the freedom to do one, none, or all of these things. Maybe for you, it is best to stay in those jammies all day and under the covers. If that is the case, I get you and I see you. You are loved and so is your mom and or your child. You do whatever is best for you on mother’s day. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to celebrate mom’s day their way. You do it your way. Whatever your pain is. Don’t wait for someone to do something for you. You choose how to celebrate this first mom’s day without mom or baby.
Just know you are not forgotten. I see you and I am here for you.
XO,
Amy
PS…if you are looking for a community that can build you up and support you during your grief journey, join me and my amazing friends for free in my Facebook Group SOUL GOALS
Grieving the Good
Sometimes we grieve the good longer than the loss of the person.……
Dear Mom,
Today you would have been 84 years young on this earth, man do I miss you and man do I wish you were here to give you some blue hydrangeas.
This might be my biggest regret. Not sending you blue hydrangeas with daisies on your special days, especially the day you were born. Now in your honor I will make sure I build myself my own arrangement on your day in memory of you. Why? Well, for one I am not going to make it into Graham to bring anything to your grave. I know, you would say, “It is ok. I am not there anyways.” But, I still feel guilty and for some reason I feel the need to apologize for not visiting your grave or our home. The home you gave me so much love, so much direction, and so many prayers.
You know I have yet to go home since your funeral over 3.5 years ago. I just can’t. I know that was your dream home. You LOVED our home and you took care of it with so much pride. You not being there makes it feel like a black hole. I know I need to go and sit in there and remember. Remember all the love, all the fun, all the bad, all the ugly, all the miracles, all the things….I just can’t…..
My friend Tiffany told me it is ok. It is ok to be grieving the good. I think that is what I am doing now. I have grieved the loss of you. I have grieved not getting to hear your voice every day at three o’clock. I have grieved not being able to call you when life has been really, really, really, hard, and now…..now I will grieve all those beautiful moments and memories. Memories I am so lucky to have because I had you as a mom.
Mom, I miss you. For some reason I miss you more now that I am grieving the good, but I know….”This too shall pass…”, that is what you would say and you would remind me you are here. In spirit and in my heart and truly in my soul.
I love you mom.
Happy Earthly Birthday! Hope you are eating all the sugar you can being that you were a diabetic and never could here.
Love you big! Miss you Lots!
Amy
I See You
It’s Saturday, May 30, 2020 and my heart is heavy. As I sit here and type I have so many emotions. What is happening in the world? Tornadoes, fires, earthquakes, terrorism, pandemics, and now hatred and riots. Do I blame the people rioting? No. Not one minute do I blame them. Am I at a loss of what to do? Yes. I know how I feel, but I don’t know how my black brothers and sisters feel and I never will. Why? Because I am a white privileged girl who was born into a comfortable white family who lived in a sleepy quiet town of mainly white people. True story. Does this make Graham, Texas bad? No, it just is where I was born. I graduated with two black girls. Stacey and Tamitha. They were my friends, but did I ever take the time to talk to them about being black? No. Why not? I don’t really know. When I was growing up I truly didn’t think about it, but now that I am writing it I never went to their homes and I only remember Stacey coming to mine maybe twice. One time for sure. Now that I am taking the time to think about this I am sad about that. I can’t change the past, but I am sad about that.
Did I see black? Yes. Of course I did. If you say you don’t see color you are just fooling yourself. Hell, you see when I spray tan because you tell me about it! So you can see black. Just saying…..
When did I start seeing color? I honestly cannot answer that. I do think there is some truth to the saying, “kids don’t see color”, but I think it should be, “kids see color and they don’t care because they see a human being.” Case in point. I will never forget when Graeme got in the car after his first day of pre-school and said, “Mom I have a friend with clown hair!” I was like what on earth does he mean? As the days went on and I got to know the little kids in his classroom it turned out his new little friend had red hair! Kids see color is the point! It’s what we as parents teach our kids that will make the difference. Because change must happen. And if you are a parent you are in the perfect place to be a part of the change! How? Talk to your kids!
Our kids, especially our white kids, need to learn that discrimination is real and it is wrong. It is something that most of our kids will not feel, as a white kid. We as parents need to teach our kids to stand up for their friends. Teach them to speak up for their friends. Teach them love. If we start teaching our young ones, who are the future, to stand up, speak up, and fight for their black friends, then I bet their other friends who are not as lucky to be raised in a home that teaches love will begin to follow.
What else can we do? Well, my dear friend Dresha wrote something that I think is perfect. I am going to share it with you.
I want you to do more than love me...
I want you to be comfortable enough to call out racism the same way you’re comfortable with watching your friends spew it.
I want you to be more than willing to get out there on these streets and protest with those who are trying to make a bold statement instead of reposting Dr. King quotes.
I want you to stop playing it safe by choosing to say nothing, afraid to inconvenience yourself out of fear of losing your job or your social status.
I want you to do more than pray. Start taking action because we both know that bible says faith without works is dead.
I want you to be more than heartbroken and sad for me. Be so moved that you do more than “like” the comments being shared among black people in your social circles. Be our voice in your communities.
Do more than send us private messages expressing sadness — say that ish out loud so your peers can see it, stop hiding.
Be willing to get uncomfortable by having conversations with your racist family members. Stop shying away from the conversations because it’s convenient for you to do so.
I want you to stop complaining about the riots and start caring about the injustice. The riots are the direct result of our peaceful protests going unheard.
& most of all, be present. Don’t wait until it’s trendy to speak up, be ready to ride for us even when it’s not.
& lastly, don’t be fickle by popping in out as you please. Keep that same energy up until we can be black in peace.
So Dresha, Stacey, Tamitha, and all my black friends….I don’t know what it is like to be you, but I see you, I see your beautiful black beauty, and I stand with you.
Will you stand with me beside my black brothers and sisters….because I got news for you….if you are a Christian, they are your brother and sister in Christ…..Jesus stands with them…..So do I…..Do you?
Until Next Time,
XO,
Amy
Dear Mom,
Dear Mom,
Well, here we are! Three years later and yep I still miss ya! But, I can honestly say that the saying, “Time heals,” is very true. I hate that I am saying that too because I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT SAYING! Not sure why, but maybe because the truth is I wanted more time. But, we didn’t get that and I am healing.
For a while I think I held onto the grief because in a sick way I thought it meant I loved you more and it would keep you more alive, which we all know is NOT POSSIBLE. Weird thought I know, but grief is weird and I have realized it never really ends. It changes and it goes through ALL KINDS of stages and I personally think everyone has their “own” stages. I think each individuals grief is different because each relationship is unique.
Our relationship was so unique and so special. I miss our daily 3 p.m. calls and our talks. I miss hearing you telling me about the cool gadget you ordered off of some infomercial and they way Trey and I would totally make fun of you! We still do you know! Every time we see an As Seen On TV we say, “The Red Head would have loved that!” I miss your blue eyes and your telling me about all the people you were praying for. I miss you mom! So much!!!!!! But I am ready to move to the next stage or whatever it is and not let this grief hold me back. Do you know I still have not gone to our home in Graham? I just can’t, but maybe I should. I missed my high school reunion because the truth is I did not want to see our home.
I realize now holding onto the grief is not what you would want. You would want me to remember you and the good times, which I do, but for some reason I am still holding on to sadness…..I also realize it is not a sign of weakness nor is it a lack of faith. Grief is just part of loss and it sneaks up at the weirdest moments. When it does sneak up Mom, I have learned just to feel my way through it and give myself love and grace, something you would have done for me if you were here. Oh how I wish you were here.
You are not here physically, but I know you are with me mom. You are in my heart. You are in my memories. You are in the sun when it wraps me in warmth. You are in the stars when they shine down on me. You are in heaven waiting for me and my prayer is you are with my baby and together you both know and feel my love like I feel yours.
So today as I celebrate your third heavenly birthday mom, know I love you and I am so proud you were my mom!
Happy Heavenly Birthday!
All my love,
Amy
P.S. Robin snapped this photo last night and sent it to Chuck, Paul, and I saying it was a gift to us from you. Thank you! We all really got a kick out of it!!!!! Keep sending us love……
Tell Them....
As I sit here writing this Sunday, I actually started out trying to finish my July book review, but I just cannot. After learning about the news of not one but two mass shootings, my heart is crushed. If you can think of a word worse than crushed, defeated, broke, shattered, you get the picture, that is my heart, mind, and soul, and I am sure most of you, if not all of you feel the same pain. If you are like me you are asking yourself and God, “What is happening? What is going on? Why are these YOUNG people feeling the need to kill? What is going on in their brains and why is it happening? Is it drugs? Is it influence? But from what? Video games? Social media? Why?” OR an even bigger question, “Where are you God? Where are you in this?” Yes, I find myself asking that and if you are too I don’t blame you. There are families out there who have lost a loved one to a senseless act. All for what? Who knows.
There is so much hatred in this world. So much! I just don’t understand. And trust me, I know life is hard. I know bad things happen. But gosh dang it, I feel like it is out of control. I can’t help but start wondering as a parent with teens is it the substances and the drugs these kids get into? Look I know kids are gonna be kids. I was one once. I did dumb things, made dumb choices, tried things, but now a days I feel like the stuff our kids experiment with really changes them if they get bad stuff. And honestly that is another blog all by itself. Point is I am so sad and I know you are too. I just needed a minute to vent. That is all. Maybe me admiting I am wondering where God is will bring someone else comfort and know they are not alone in this.
As I sit here I will voice that I am in the valley of the unknown and I know God knows me and loves me. He understands me and is listening to my every tear and He will help my unbelief. He will do the same for you. So if you are like me and thinking, ‘That could have been me grocery shopping at Walmart or my son out on the town, that could have been me shot and I would never see my family again or worse my child could have been shot and killed.” As you think that and as I think that, remember this, tell your loved ones what they mean to you. Tell them how much you believe in them and how much you love them. Tell them how proud you are of them and how lucky you are to have them. Tell them. Because you may never get a chance to again. Satan is alive and he is attacking America. Evil is on the rise and we need to rebuke it through prayer and through love. So tell them you love them……
Until Next Time,
XO,
Amy
The art above was done by my son Will. To say I am so proud is not even enough. So proud.
Long Time No Write....
It has been a while since I sat down to really write something. I decided at the beginning of the summer I was going to focus on my family knowing when school started back I could pick right up where I left off. What has changed? Well a number of things. First and foremost I love it when I receive a DM on the gram or a DM on the book of face that says, “I miss your writing”, “I miss your inspiration”, or “I miss your recipes”. You guys have no idea what that does for me! But, trust me, I have been working on content and ideas here and there and I have hired a phenomenal coach who is helping me and I am hoping to blow this blog UP!!!! But, the other thing that has changed is I realized how much I personally need this blog. It is so healing for me and so cleansing and I need it!
How do I know this? Well, today is my sweet Mama’s birthday. She would have been 83…..and for those of you new here, she passed away in December of 2016. It still hurts. It hurts so bad sometimes that I can’t breathe. As I sit here writing this I wonder if some people get sick of hearing about it? Honestly, it does not matter because I know there is someone else reading this who is still missing their person as much as I am missing my mom and they need to hear it right here right now that, that is ok. My mom and I had such a neat relationship and we had great talks….everyday at 3 to be exact….and I miss that. And it is ok.
So today I decided to sit down and write because writing is cleansing. And honest to God yesterday in my “special journal”, the question was: Reflect upon your family. It could be a parent, sibling, grandparent, or someone else. How do they help shape your life? YALL!!!!!!! It is my mom!!!!!! I am going to take a picture and show you what I wrote!
My mom was AMAZING! Still is in my eyes and I truly believe my mom’s spirit is in me. She is in my heart and she is in my soul and that makes me so happy. Because anyone who knew that little red headed firecracker knows there was not a more pure spirit in this world. My mom loved ALMOST everybody. I can name one person, which I will not, who my mother did not have compassion or love for. Other than that, my mom never spoke ill of anyone. She loved the weak, the strong, the poor, the rich, the dumb, the smart, the homosexual, the hetrosexual, the Christian, the Jew, the Buddhist, the non Christian, the addict, the black, the white, and the brown. My mom was the epitome of love. Was she perfect? No, but in my eyes she came close. Did she have faults? Yes, but her strengths sure out weighed her faults. And her love was pure and real. Her love allowed me to be free to be who I am and I really think her love is part of the reason I march to my own beat. I will forever be grateful to my mom for this gift. My mom is part of the reason I know deeply that I am worthy of love and goodness in my life. She gave me so much love, support, and compassion, in the 46 years of life I spent with her that I truly believe she is the reason I am able to survive whatever comes at me. So today, on her 83 birthday I would like to say, “Thank you Mom! Thank you for loving me for me and for passing on the gifts of love, compassion, and forgiveness.'“
Happy Birthday Mom!
Love Always,
Amy
This journal is amazing! If you are really looking for growth, healing, or reflection, this journal is it. It gives you a prompt and the prompts are very good and very powerful!
Mommy and Me Time
Dear Mom,
Mother’s Day number 3 without you is going down in the books. Time does make this easier for sure, but I still get those sudden surges of grief where this rush of sadness overcomes me and I just want to crumble. I still wonder “what if”….
What if we had moved you to Dallas? What if we had forced you out of your house into assisted living? What if I had come home more? All the “what if’s” give me is pain. Real pain. I imagine things going differently. I imagine you still here IF we had only done things differently.
It is selfish of me actually. I want you here because this year has been hard and I could have used my mom. So selfishly I sit here saying, “What if we had moved you to Dallas?” Well, here is the what if….If we had moved you to Dallas you might be dead anyways due to loneliness. All of your friends and your entire life was in Graham. You LOVED that town. You LOVED your friends. You LOVED your church. So even if you were here in Dallas, you might not have been able to be there for me like I wanted, like I needed. The “what if” we had made you move to assisted living….well, I am not going to lie. I personally think you would of thrived there. You LOVED people! You loved being around people. You loved serving people. I think you would have been the Mayorette of the assisted living in Graham, but the point is that is not what you wanted. I wanted it. For selfish reasons! So you would still be here!
I have learned alot through all my counseling since you have been gone. One big thing is everyone has a right to feel how they want. Be who they want. Live THEIR life how they want. That is what you did. No it is not what I wanted and no it did not end how I wanted it to, but I am proud to say you got to do it your way. You lived your life your way up until the very end and you did it with strength and you did it with grace.
I still remember having the conversation with you in the ICU at Presbyterian Hospital about dying. You were not scared at all. I told you I was and your response to me was a very quiet response I remember. You simply said very quietly, “Everybody has to do it.” I remember crying and asking you if were you scared. I was so concerned about you being scared. You held my hand and said, “No.”
We both knew your day was coming and it was coming fast. Funny thing is you surprised us all and got out of the hospital! I remember thinking we were dodging a bullet. Only to have that bullet hit two weeks later and I never saw it coming. I still remember “Your day.” I remember what I was wearing. My perfume. My hair. All of it! I got up early and went to Starbucks, which is so unlike me. I got to the hospital before all my siblings! I remember thinking we were going to have some “Mommy and me time”. I literally thought that. Boy was I mistaken.
I knew they had intubated you the night before, but they made it sound like it was to make it easier on you so you could heal from the sepsis. I remember calling my girlfriend Leigh who is a nurse and saying, “Is this prolonging death?” I remember Leigh gently saying it would keep you calm and peaceful. It would breathe for you, but if you did not want extraordinary measures I needed to listen to your wishes. I remember going to bed relieved that the tube would calm you Mom and that you could heal. So basically I decided you were going to live! And I told my brain it was going to be ok and I firmly believed it!
I decided I would get to the hospital early to cheer you on in that endeavor! When I arrived the door was shut to your room and I remember the minute I opened it there were two nurses and a doctor in the room. A very kind nurse asked me if I was family. I nodded because I could tell something was not right. My gut knew it. You were asleep….so I thought, but you were really unconcious. Your organs were shutting down and I was the first one on the scene so I was the one who got the news. I crumbled to the ground and they got me a chair. I kept saying I was suppose to get to talk to you agian. I remember asking the nurse this question, “Will I hear my moms voice again?” She shook her head no very slowly and help me while I cried.
She was a good nurse and I never got her name because that day from that moment on is a blur to me. If I did get it I forgot it. Funny how it is nurses week and here is a prime example of someone who was my hero that day and I don’t even know her name so I will never be able to thank her for the strength she brought me so I could call each sibling and tell them to come the hospital. My sister actually got there while this was all happening so that was one less phone call. And my sister in true “get things done fashion” started asking all the questions of “What if we do this”, “What if we do that”. I remember just being numb and holding your hand begging for you to squeeze mine……that did not happen and later that afternoon your time came and you slowly and peacefully left us.
I miss you so much Mom and as I said in the beginning of this letter….time does heal…..but I do miss you so. Some days more than others, but this I know for sure, there is NEVER a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. Mom you were the best mom I could ever have and I love you so much and I miss you so much. I am proud of you Mom and I am proud that you were my mom!
Happy Mother’s Day Mom!
All my love,
Amy
Letter to God
Dear God,
As I sit here to write this letter today, I am conflicted. Conflicted on the one hand because deep down in my heart I know you exist. I know you are there, but on the other hand I really don’t think I have believed that as of late. It is safe to say I am not sure I even trust you have me and my family in your best interest. That pains me to say it, but I realize it is true. I know you know what all this family has endured in the last year. I know you know all the pain and I also know that I feel abandoned somewhat so I am coming today in hopes that if I get this out and off my chest I can let go of it.
I am mad at you. Really mad. I don’t understand alot of things and I don’t understand you really. What is weird is you keep finding little ways to show me you still have me and you are here. Just the other day for instance, in the book I am reading the author suggested a new way to read scripture. Slower, more methodical if you will. She explained sometimes something might stand out. A word, a verse, whatever. If it does she said to stop. Well, yesterday in Hebrews 3 what stood out to me was Jesus WAS faithful. Moses WAS faithful. For me it was a whisper to stay faithful. I stopped right there and wrote that down in my journal and on my to do list. I made a vow that I would refer to it when I felt you were not with me. I held on to that all day. This morning I got up and started back in Hebrews 3 and kept reading and in the same chapter another thing stood out. Hebrews 3:6 talks about how I am the house and Jesus built me and He would never destroy me. So….I wrote that down on my to do list and referred back to it all day. Today was one of those days too where I needed it. BAD! Maybe that is why I decided to write to you.
Want to know what else is weird? I have not even decorated for Easter. My friends who know me know that is not normal. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Not sure why, but honestly I have not even thought about the fact that it is lent! What does that say about me? I am not sure. I know it bothers me. Why? Well, because I was raised in the church. I was raised to know you. I was raised knowing lent was a time to give something up. Which personally while we are on the topic I think is stupid! Giving up chocolate is suppose to make me closer to you? I don’t think so. Give up coke? Forget it! That will just make me crabby! I like the idea of doing good and being more like you. It’s kind of a mute point anyways! This is the last week of lent! So whatever…..
Point is I am kind of lost right now and really wondering where you are. I am not really sure what is at the root of this either. Is it anger? Is it unforgiveness? Is it a person or people? Is it a situation? I don’t know…the only real thing I know is I was taught long ago by Mom and Dad that simply following you does not make life any easier. Sometimes life is hard, sometimes people hurt you, sometimes situations stink, and they said when this happens hit your knees and pray. Well, I have been. I have even gone so far as to pray for people that have hurt me. All I want is peace. Isn’t that what we all want?
So as I sit here and write this honest to God (no pun intended) I feel a peace coming about me. Weird how this happens. As I reflect I am reminded that the first words out of your mouth after you rose from the dead were “PEACE”….. Which is really weird seeing that Easter is days away….so I am days away from the day you said this! I know the enemy is just attacking and I know he will continue to attack and you know what I am going to say to that…BRING IT YOU IDIOT! I am realizing while typing this letter that yes this has been a tough year, but you know what else, I am realzing my family is all the stronger for it and so am I. I am realizing you are working through me and my family and I am realizing that right now I know in my heart I believe in you and I know you…. I am just not sure what you, God, will do with me and my family. Want to know what else? It is ok. I love you and I know you love me. So I will just remember….I can’t, You can, so I will let you! I can’t love right now, but you can love me, so I will let you…I can’t take this hurt from my heart or change it, but you can, so I will let you…..I can’t change the situation, but you can, so I will let you…..I don’t know what the future holds, but you do, so I will trust you.
That is all I can do…..Thank you for loving me and my family and I know you will forgive me for this letter and I know you understand. Thank you for that!
Love your child,
Amy
Does Time Heal?
Dear Mom,
It has been two years since you left this world. Two years since I have been able to talk to you and hear your sweet, sweet, jersey accent. Oh how I miss it and you. A lot has happened in these two years without you and yet it still seems unreal that you are not here. It is weird, sometimes it feels like you are here. I know in my heart those are signs you are sending me to let me know you are. For this I am forever grateful.
So two years and one would think that the saying “Time Heals” would begin to apply. Mom, I am not sure I will ever heal from the loss of you. You were my best friend, you were my mother, you carried me for nine months, you loved me when I was unloveable, you believed in me, and you raised me. No time does not heal Mom, but I can say that time has taught me how to live with the greatest loss. The loss of you.
I miss you so and this year was a really, really, rough year. But, I am proud to say I honestly feel like I got through it with grace and I think you would be proud. No, I take that back. I don’t think it, I know you are proud. Guess what Mom, I am so proud and I am so proud to say I know I got through it because of the lessons and virtues you instilled in me. You taught me how to fight and not give up. You taught me how to believe. You taught me how to pray and you taught me about faith. Thank you Mom!
So on this heavenly birthday I really hope you are up there celebrating the legacy you have left. A beautiful legacy of Fatih, Love, Kindness, Hope, and Strength. Happy Heavenly Birthday Mom! I miss you so!
All my Love,
Amy
PS. Dad is still kicking and doing great! Robin and I are still working well together taking care of him and Paul has kept his word on taking care of Benji! Chuck comes in as often as he can to see Dad and you would be proud to know the Foley kids are enveloping him in love. So don’t worry your cute little red head one bit! The dog and Dad are GREAT!
If you have experienced a loss sometimes journaling and mediation/prayer help heal the void. This book can help you one day at a time….that is what it is all about after all….one day at a time.
Dear Mom,
A letter to my precious mother in Heaven.
Dear Mom,
It is my second Mother's Day without you and I feel guilty for admitting this, but the saying that it gets easier with time is true. The saying that the first are the hardest, meaning your first mother's day without you was harder than this one has been. I feel bad for saying this, but it is true. Why is it that I think I should hold on to the pain of missing you? I know that is not what you would want. I know you would want me to find joy today and to enjoy my boys and enjoy being a mom.
As you know when you left this world, my entire being was rocked to the core. I had no idea how much it would hurt. Our brains tell us our parents will leave this earth before we do, if everything goes according to our earthly plans, but our hearts-well that is a different story. Through my grief I went to tons of counseling, read tons of books on coping through loss, and talked to whoever was in the club I call, "My Mom's in Heaven Club." One of the BEST pieces advice I ever received was from Gramzee. She told me whenever I was missing you or on special days, like mother's day to write you. I listened to her advice and oh how it has helped my heart and my soul. I shared one letter on the anniversary of your death with the world. I feel like sharing these letters might open up the door to someone else hurting from their loss to write their loved one in heaven. Do you see Mom, you are gone but you are still touching people and you are still there for people. You were and are so special still.
I want you to know we are all doing o.k. Robin and I are still working well together daily with Dad. Paul and Erin have been a huge help on weekends and still have your devil dog Benji! Paul has kept his word and Benji is still alive and kicking. He has actually calmed down quite a bit, still jumpy, but is very sweet. I now know he was so bad while you were alive because you spoiled him rotten and he was a brat! Chuck is doing amazing and getting married! Yep, getting married and to Renee who you know. She was so good with you in the end and you really liked her so I know you would be and are thrilled! Chuck writes Dad weekly now and every time a letter comes in the mail Dad lights up. It is really fun to watch.
Speaking of Dad, he is doing GREAT mom! He still has good days and bad days, but more good than bad. I know he misses you dearly though. When Barbara Bush died, he was glued to the t.v. and cried a lot. I kept trying to change the channel and he would not let me. I finally got the guts up and asked if watching reminded him of you and he said, "YES! I miss her." He had tears in his eyes and I knew he was trying to tell me something. I asked if watching made him feel closer to you and he said yes and I asked if he felt it was healing. He said yes the tears felt good. So, I let him watch-good or bad I don't know, but I let him do it and I sat and cried with him. A lot of tears were shed that week, but it was good.
My boys are doing GREAT Mom. Sure we have have ups and downs. What house does not with three very active boys! I will highlight the ups as there is no need for you to worry about the downs. Graeme turned 7! Can you believe it? Seven years old! Feels like yesterday I was on bed rest and you were in the rehab facility and I would lie in your bed while you rehabbed! Good times Mom! And remember the ice there? I LOVED that ice! JP, well BIG news here Mom! He is going to New York this summer! He has been cast in Disney and Roger and Hammerstein's DVD of High School Musical Jr! You always said he had the "it" factor and mom he sure does! I so wish you were here to see it! Will, is doing amazing with soccer and he has been picked up by a College Showcase team and will be playing for them. He was picked up by a German Soccer program as well, but we unfortunately cannot do that at this time as he has also decided he wants to be a missionary mom! How beautiful is that? So he will be going to Costa Rica this summer to work in the mission fields. I know you would be so proud of all three of them!
Trey and I are doing great. Trey still dreams of living on the water someday, I just hope he will let all three boys graduate before he moves me, but I am channeling you and living in the present and letting him dream. Dreaming is fun and dreaming is healthy. You would be happy to know Trey is so good with Dad. He helps me pick him up often and he lunches with Dad and I a lot. He and Dad watch a lot of movies together and my heart burst with joy every time I walk in and they are watching something together other than Fox News. That is one thing Dad does too much we think and Trey has figured out the code on getting Dad to watch something else. How sweet is that and how lucky am I to have a husband who loves my father and helps me care for him? So really no need to worry about Dad! He is in good hands Mom!
That is life as of late in a nutshell and I so wish you were here to share it with, but you are not. So as I sit here writing I just want you to know that, yes, this year seems easier, but I still miss you so much Mom! There is NOT one day that I don't think of you and there are a lot of days I wish I could call you. You are still here with me in spirit and I know this and my wish is if you do see this letter mom that you know I love you just as much today as I did the day you left this world, maybe even more and I am so grateful you were my Mom and still are.
Happy Mothers Day Mom!
All my love,
Amy
I miss you. Do you miss me?
Today marks the first anniversary of my mother's death. I have dreaded this day. Not near as much as the day I buried her, but I have dreaded it. To get through it, I decided to write her a letter. Dear Mom....
Dear Mom,
It has been 365 days since your last breath and it still feels like it was just yesterday. You know I still try to call you sometimes at 3:00 and I think to myself, Amy Irene, what on earth? I can't help it. I miss you so and I miss our talks. Boy do I miss our talks. And why didn't you have a personalized message on your voice mail? I hate that automated message! It would have been so nice to have your voice! I miss your voice. I miss our talks!
You were always there for me whenever I called. Never judging me and only giving advice if I asked. I so appreciated that about you. No matter how bad it was, you NEVER gave me advice unless I said, "Mom, what would you do?" or "Mom what do I do?" That is such a special gift you know. It seems like the rest of the world feels that they have to give you advice. I don't know why, because sometimes I just need to talk. You knew this about me. You knew me mom. You knew me inside and out. You knew what made me tick, you knew what brought me joy, you knew what brought me hurts, you knew my heart. I miss this. I miss you. Do you miss me?
The cardinal sitting outside the window while I was talking to Robin....is this you?
I feel you sometimes. I really do. Just the other day, Christmas morning actually, when I was on the phone with Robin I felt you. We were talking and crying about you. Was that you in the window? The red cardinal? I felt this strange peace wash over me and I told Robin I felt you. Was that you? I wish I knew.
One of your many prayer list.
There is a lot I wish I knew. Like did you know how much I loved you and still do? Do you know how proud I am of you and how proud I am that you were and are my mom? Do you know how amazing you were? Do you know that I think you were the funniest and prettiest red head? Do you know how much I loved your eyes? Do you know that you taught me the gift of forgiveness and kindness? Do you know you taught me the gift of prayer? Do you know this mom? If you don't I hope you do now.
Just the other day I was praying in my quiet time and started to chuckle as I looked down at my prayer "hit list." You know I never had one of these. Seriously! And it was around your birthday I started to take my friends and families prayers seriously. Sure if someone asked me to pray for them in the past I would. Right at that moment actually in case I forgot. Now, because of you, I write the prayers down until they tell me they have been answered! I learned this from you! And it is so amazing when someone calls to say the prayer has been answered. Sure at times I get not great news and the mystery is there as to "why God?", but, since I have started my daily ritual of prayer I have this peace about me. I have this because of watching you. Thank you Mom.
One of my prayer list.
One of your many recipe cards....I will cherish them always.
I wish I was as organized as you. Maybe you could sprinkle some of that down on me from heaven. Lord knows Trey would appreciate that. I do have the gift of cooking for my family that you had. Man you could cook! And this year I plan on tackling your recipes and trying the ones I remember out on the family. I will report back to you what we love and what we don't! It will be fun! I love looking at your recipe cards and seeing your handwriting. I miss your hand writing! I miss you!
I know Dad misses you too. We had a good cry yesterday. I went to Michaels to get fake hydrangeas for your grave. You loved blue hydrangeas and at this time of year I know they will die so Dad and I decided on fake. I hope you don't mind. I can hear you now, "Save your money, they will collect dust." But, I don't care. I am bringing them to you. I think it turned out nice. Dad loves it. He cried when I showed it to him after I made it. He misses you, but I promise we are all taking good good care of him. He is getting all kinds of attention and we keep up with his meds and doctor's appointments. Robin does a great job of getting him to Graham to get his hair cut, he still won't get it cut here, and he and I have a date once a week for lunch and I bring my friend Cathy. I think he really enjoys it. He comes to a lot of his grandkids activities and Robin brings him to church on Sunday and they brunch and I think he is very happy.
The fake flowers for your grave...sorry...real ones will die at this time of year.
Christmas was hard for him. Especially when we did Grubba Guitar. He would cry some, laugh some, and sing some. I know he wishes you could have been with us experiencing it and honestly I think he is scared he will not be able to experience it next year. It has to be scary knowing your wife is gone and you are aging. I promise we are all doing a good job of keeping him busy and making memories. You would be so proud of your kids and how we are all doing our part. That is because you taught us by showing us how important family is. Thank you.
Robin taking very good care of Dad on Christmas night. He is in Good hands mom. I promise.
Paul is taking great care of Benji too! He has to kennel him whenever blonde boys come over. That dog has a thing against toe heads, but for the most part he is content. I know he misses you too, but Paul has kept up his word and Benji is still alive and kicking and happy as can be. He actually has been good for Paul's dog Beau. Paul's cat might think otherwise, but Beau and Benji enjoy each other. I asked Erin if he sits with her in the mornings like he did you while she drinks her coffee and he does! She even keeps him pretty and groomed! So Benji is happy and pretty!
The house is in great shape! Vahid and Jeanette have been amazing in helping us with this as well as your cleaning lady, Magda. I still call her and she always says it is an honor and a privilege to clean for you. You had such a way with people mom. I think it is pretty special!
Will turned 16 on December 9 and Dad gave Will your car for his birthday. What a gift that was and is! Thank you!
So as you can see, life is still going on, but you are still very much a part of our lives and we all miss you so, especially me. You were my rock and my best friend. Life is not the same without you, but I feel you and sense you at times. I am still pretty sad, but I know you would want me to continue on and I do. I have found joy in my blog and maybe through it I will touch people like you use to touch people. It does bring me peace when I write, especially when I write about you. I am still dancing and that brings me so much joy. You know how much I love to dance! And I have discovered the gift of cooking for my family like you always cooked for us! Thank you! I know now how much work and thought you put into it. Life is not and never will be the same without you, but I will carry you in my heart always and I will look for you! I will look for your beautiful eyes in the bright blue sky. I will look for your smile that was radiant as the sun when the sun is out. I will look for your huge heart in the massive sky at night with all the beautiful stars that shine like you do. I will look for you everywhere mom and I will love you always!
All my love,
Amy
Stuff
I keep dreaming about my mom. It is so strange. I am not in a fog or depression, but I do keep dreaming about her and that does make my mornings a little tougher. I have to process the dream and cry a little.
I keep dreaming about my mom. It is so strange. I am not in a fog or depression, but I do keep dreaming about her and that does make my mornings a little tougher. I have to process the dream and cry a little. I think if I did not do this I would be depressed, but I just roll around in the dream and try to decide what it was about.
Last night I dreamt of her funeral. It was so odd because I was in her closet with greasy hair and had not showered. My best friend Ginger said we had 15 minutes and I kept thinking I have no clothes here but this black jumpsuit. I could see all my mom's perfectly white tennis shoes. She LOVED white tennis shoes! She had a ton. I kept talking about how we needed to donate them because that is what she would want.
As I sat drinking my coffee and doing my QT, I realized, that is it! It has been almost a year since her death and everything is just how she left it in her closet. Maybe she is telling me, "Donate that stuff Amy Irene!" For those of you who know my mom I GUARANTEE that is what she is saying!
She was THE HARDEST person to buy a gift for. She did not want STUFF! She would say, "Don't get me anything that collects dust!" She did not wear jewelry and she was quite the little spit fire golfer/active mom so she was not into "the trends" of style. She was so basic and so simple! QUITE OPPOSITE of me or my sister! Kind of funny actually!
She wore only mascara and deodorant. For those of you who know me, I wear makeup and perfume EVEN to dance in! Heck I have been known to wear my pearls to dance! So VERY OPPOSITE! And people I love me some stuff! Have you seen my house? It is a dust freaks nightmare! I feel bad for my kids when I die. It will be harder than heck to get through all this. Maybe that is my take away from the dream. Maybe I should start cleaning out.
I promise you my moms house will be so easy to go through. She was sooooo organized and did not hold on to anything. And honestly, now with her death I see why. She could not take it with her and she definitely did not send it ahead, so why keep it. Only keep and use what is needed. RIGHT? But, who am I kidding? I LOVE MY STUFF!
So my take away for today....I need to talk to my siblings about what we should do with my mom's stuff, but I shall keep on keeping on with my stuff and not beat myself up for it! I like it! I like my house and I like my things and if you do too, I say ENJOY them! It does not make us any less of a person. Just might make it a little more work for those we leave behind. But then again, they may like our stuff!
xo,
Amy
Are You in the Club?
It's Thanksgiving...do you find yourself in the "firsts" club like me?
It is thanksgiving! Today is a day that is suppose to be full of love and gratitude, but for some today will be empty, lonely, or dark. For all my friends who are in the club of "firsts", know you are not alone.
Some of you are asking yourself, "what does she mean." I am talking about the first thanksgiving without a parent who has past within the last 365 days. For me it is my mom and for one of my best friends it is her dad.
It is not a club you want to be in, unfortunately, it is a club we all find ourselves in eventually. It is a sad reality, but there is hope in this reality. Hope in Jesus Christ and hope in the beautiful reality we will all be together again in Heaven and what a glorious Thanksgiving that will be.
For some of us in this group, this hope will be what gets us through this day. Others of us might still be doubting and this is ok too. Trust me, after my mom died I was in the trenches of doubt. Lean on your family and friends if you find yourself doubting. Some of you might even find yourself downright mad. That is ok too. Trust me when I tell you I was not just mad, I found myself pissed off at God, for lack of a better word. Seriously! So if you find yourself there, it is ok too.
Wherever you find yourself, it is ok. Go easy on yourself. Trust me on this. Don't expect today to be anything, matter of fact, my advice is take each minute of the day as they come at you with zero expectation. Then you won't be disappointed in someone or yourself. This has been a huge coping mechanism for me. ZERO EXPECTATIONS!
Most importantly my dear friend and reader, know your loved one is up their in the mysterious place known as Heaven and they are watching over you. Look for them today. Listen for them. You will be so surprised when you hear their whisper from heaven, it will bring you a peace that overcomes your soul. Trust me. They are with us and they will reveal themselves to you at the oddest moment and you and only you will know, "Ah, this is my loved one".
Happy Thanksgiving and much love and hope and joy to you today and always.
Amy