Dear God,
As I sit here to write this letter today, I am conflicted. Conflicted on the one hand because deep down in my heart I know you exist. I know you are there, but on the other hand I really don’t think I have believed that as of late. It is safe to say I am not sure I even trust you have me and my family in your best interest. That pains me to say it, but I realize it is true. I know you know what all this family has endured in the last year. I know you know all the pain and I also know that I feel abandoned somewhat so I am coming today in hopes that if I get this out and off my chest I can let go of it.
I am mad at you. Really mad. I don’t understand alot of things and I don’t understand you really. What is weird is you keep finding little ways to show me you still have me and you are here. Just the other day for instance, in the book I am reading the author suggested a new way to read scripture. Slower, more methodical if you will. She explained sometimes something might stand out. A word, a verse, whatever. If it does she said to stop. Well, yesterday in Hebrews 3 what stood out to me was Jesus WAS faithful. Moses WAS faithful. For me it was a whisper to stay faithful. I stopped right there and wrote that down in my journal and on my to do list. I made a vow that I would refer to it when I felt you were not with me. I held on to that all day. This morning I got up and started back in Hebrews 3 and kept reading and in the same chapter another thing stood out. Hebrews 3:6 talks about how I am the house and Jesus built me and He would never destroy me. So….I wrote that down on my to do list and referred back to it all day. Today was one of those days too where I needed it. BAD! Maybe that is why I decided to write to you.
Want to know what else is weird? I have not even decorated for Easter. My friends who know me know that is not normal. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Not sure why, but honestly I have not even thought about the fact that it is lent! What does that say about me? I am not sure. I know it bothers me. Why? Well, because I was raised in the church. I was raised to know you. I was raised knowing lent was a time to give something up. Which personally while we are on the topic I think is stupid! Giving up chocolate is suppose to make me closer to you? I don’t think so. Give up coke? Forget it! That will just make me crabby! I like the idea of doing good and being more like you. It’s kind of a mute point anyways! This is the last week of lent! So whatever…..
Point is I am kind of lost right now and really wondering where you are. I am not really sure what is at the root of this either. Is it anger? Is it unforgiveness? Is it a person or people? Is it a situation? I don’t know…the only real thing I know is I was taught long ago by Mom and Dad that simply following you does not make life any easier. Sometimes life is hard, sometimes people hurt you, sometimes situations stink, and they said when this happens hit your knees and pray. Well, I have been. I have even gone so far as to pray for people that have hurt me. All I want is peace. Isn’t that what we all want?
So as I sit here and write this honest to God (no pun intended) I feel a peace coming about me. Weird how this happens. As I reflect I am reminded that the first words out of your mouth after you rose from the dead were “PEACE”….. Which is really weird seeing that Easter is days away….so I am days away from the day you said this! I know the enemy is just attacking and I know he will continue to attack and you know what I am going to say to that…BRING IT YOU IDIOT! I am realizing while typing this letter that yes this has been a tough year, but you know what else, I am realzing my family is all the stronger for it and so am I. I am realizing you are working through me and my family and I am realizing that right now I know in my heart I believe in you and I know you…. I am just not sure what you, God, will do with me and my family. Want to know what else? It is ok. I love you and I know you love me. So I will just remember….I can’t, You can, so I will let you! I can’t love right now, but you can love me, so I will let you…I can’t take this hurt from my heart or change it, but you can, so I will let you…..I can’t change the situation, but you can, so I will let you…..I don’t know what the future holds, but you do, so I will trust you.
That is all I can do…..Thank you for loving me and my family and I know you will forgive me for this letter and I know you understand. Thank you for that!
Love your child,
Amy
