Dear Mom,
It is my second Mother's Day without you and I feel guilty for admitting this, but the saying that it gets easier with time is true. The saying that the first are the hardest, meaning your first mother's day without you was harder than this one has been. I feel bad for saying this, but it is true. Why is it that I think I should hold on to the pain of missing you? I know that is not what you would want. I know you would want me to find joy today and to enjoy my boys and enjoy being a mom.
As you know when you left this world, my entire being was rocked to the core. I had no idea how much it would hurt. Our brains tell us our parents will leave this earth before we do, if everything goes according to our earthly plans, but our hearts-well that is a different story. Through my grief I went to tons of counseling, read tons of books on coping through loss, and talked to whoever was in the club I call, "My Mom's in Heaven Club." One of the BEST pieces advice I ever received was from Gramzee. She told me whenever I was missing you or on special days, like mother's day to write you. I listened to her advice and oh how it has helped my heart and my soul. I shared one letter on the anniversary of your death with the world. I feel like sharing these letters might open up the door to someone else hurting from their loss to write their loved one in heaven. Do you see Mom, you are gone but you are still touching people and you are still there for people. You were and are so special still.
I want you to know we are all doing o.k. Robin and I are still working well together daily with Dad. Paul and Erin have been a huge help on weekends and still have your devil dog Benji! Paul has kept his word and Benji is still alive and kicking. He has actually calmed down quite a bit, still jumpy, but is very sweet. I now know he was so bad while you were alive because you spoiled him rotten and he was a brat! Chuck is doing amazing and getting married! Yep, getting married and to Renee who you know. She was so good with you in the end and you really liked her so I know you would be and are thrilled! Chuck writes Dad weekly now and every time a letter comes in the mail Dad lights up. It is really fun to watch.
Speaking of Dad, he is doing GREAT mom! He still has good days and bad days, but more good than bad. I know he misses you dearly though. When Barbara Bush died, he was glued to the t.v. and cried a lot. I kept trying to change the channel and he would not let me. I finally got the guts up and asked if watching reminded him of you and he said, "YES! I miss her." He had tears in his eyes and I knew he was trying to tell me something. I asked if watching made him feel closer to you and he said yes and I asked if he felt it was healing. He said yes the tears felt good. So, I let him watch-good or bad I don't know, but I let him do it and I sat and cried with him. A lot of tears were shed that week, but it was good.
My boys are doing GREAT Mom. Sure we have have ups and downs. What house does not with three very active boys! I will highlight the ups as there is no need for you to worry about the downs. Graeme turned 7! Can you believe it? Seven years old! Feels like yesterday I was on bed rest and you were in the rehab facility and I would lie in your bed while you rehabbed! Good times Mom! And remember the ice there? I LOVED that ice! JP, well BIG news here Mom! He is going to New York this summer! He has been cast in Disney and Roger and Hammerstein's DVD of High School Musical Jr! You always said he had the "it" factor and mom he sure does! I so wish you were here to see it! Will, is doing amazing with soccer and he has been picked up by a College Showcase team and will be playing for them. He was picked up by a German Soccer program as well, but we unfortunately cannot do that at this time as he has also decided he wants to be a missionary mom! How beautiful is that? So he will be going to Costa Rica this summer to work in the mission fields. I know you would be so proud of all three of them!
Trey and I are doing great. Trey still dreams of living on the water someday, I just hope he will let all three boys graduate before he moves me, but I am channeling you and living in the present and letting him dream. Dreaming is fun and dreaming is healthy. You would be happy to know Trey is so good with Dad. He helps me pick him up often and he lunches with Dad and I a lot. He and Dad watch a lot of movies together and my heart burst with joy every time I walk in and they are watching something together other than Fox News. That is one thing Dad does too much we think and Trey has figured out the code on getting Dad to watch something else. How sweet is that and how lucky am I to have a husband who loves my father and helps me care for him? So really no need to worry about Dad! He is in good hands Mom!
That is life as of late in a nutshell and I so wish you were here to share it with, but you are not. So as I sit here writing I just want you to know that, yes, this year seems easier, but I still miss you so much Mom! There is NOT one day that I don't think of you and there are a lot of days I wish I could call you. You are still here with me in spirit and I know this and my wish is if you do see this letter mom that you know I love you just as much today as I did the day you left this world, maybe even more and I am so grateful you were my Mom and still are.
Happy Mothers Day Mom!
All my love,
Amy
