Mommy and Me Time

Dear Mom,

Mother’s Day number 3 without you is going down in the books. Time does make this easier for sure, but I still get those sudden surges of grief where this rush of sadness overcomes me and I just want to crumble. I still wonder “what if”….

What if we had moved you to Dallas? What if we had forced you out of your house into assisted living? What if I had come home more? All the “what if’s” give me is pain. Real pain. I imagine things going differently. I imagine you still here IF we had only done things differently.

It is selfish of me actually. I want you here because this year has been hard and I could have used my mom. So selfishly I sit here saying, “What if we had moved you to Dallas?” Well, here is the what if….If we had moved you to Dallas you might be dead anyways due to loneliness. All of your friends and your entire life was in Graham. You LOVED that town. You LOVED your friends. You LOVED your church. So even if you were here in Dallas, you might not have been able to be there for me like I wanted, like I needed. The “what if” we had made you move to assisted living….well, I am not going to lie. I personally think you would of thrived there. You LOVED people! You loved being around people. You loved serving people. I think you would have been the Mayorette of the assisted living in Graham, but the point is that is not what you wanted. I wanted it. For selfish reasons! So you would still be here!

I have learned alot through all my counseling since you have been gone. One big thing is everyone has a right to feel how they want. Be who they want. Live THEIR life how they want. That is what you did. No it is not what I wanted and no it did not end how I wanted it to, but I am proud to say you got to do it your way. You lived your life your way up until the very end and you did it with strength and you did it with grace.

I still remember having the conversation with you in the ICU at Presbyterian Hospital about dying. You were not scared at all. I told you I was and your response to me was a very quiet response I remember. You simply said very quietly, “Everybody has to do it.” I remember crying and asking you if were you scared. I was so concerned about you being scared. You held my hand and said, “No.”

We both knew your day was coming and it was coming fast. Funny thing is you surprised us all and got out of the hospital! I remember thinking we were dodging a bullet. Only to have that bullet hit two weeks later and I never saw it coming. I still remember “Your day.” I remember what I was wearing. My perfume. My hair. All of it! I got up early and went to Starbucks, which is so unlike me. I got to the hospital before all my siblings! I remember thinking we were going to have some “Mommy and me time”. I literally thought that. Boy was I mistaken.

I knew they had intubated you the night before, but they made it sound like it was to make it easier on you so you could heal from the sepsis. I remember calling my girlfriend Leigh who is a nurse and saying, “Is this prolonging death?” I remember Leigh gently saying it would keep you calm and peaceful. It would breathe for you, but if you did not want extraordinary measures I needed to listen to your wishes. I remember going to bed relieved that the tube would calm you Mom and that you could heal. So basically I decided you were going to live! And I told my brain it was going to be ok and I firmly believed it!

I decided I would get to the hospital early to cheer you on in that endeavor! When I arrived the door was shut to your room and I remember the minute I opened it there were two nurses and a doctor in the room. A very kind nurse asked me if I was family. I nodded because I could tell something was not right. My gut knew it. You were asleep….so I thought, but you were really unconcious. Your organs were shutting down and I was the first one on the scene so I was the one who got the news. I crumbled to the ground and they got me a chair. I kept saying I was suppose to get to talk to you agian. I remember asking the nurse this question, “Will I hear my moms voice again?” She shook her head no very slowly and help me while I cried.

She was a good nurse and I never got her name because that day from that moment on is a blur to me. If I did get it I forgot it. Funny how it is nurses week and here is a prime example of someone who was my hero that day and I don’t even know her name so I will never be able to thank her for the strength she brought me so I could call each sibling and tell them to come the hospital. My sister actually got there while this was all happening so that was one less phone call. And my sister in true “get things done fashion” started asking all the questions of “What if we do this”, “What if we do that”. I remember just being numb and holding your hand begging for you to squeeze mine……that did not happen and later that afternoon your time came and you slowly and peacefully left us.

I miss you so much Mom and as I said in the beginning of this letter….time does heal…..but I do miss you so. Some days more than others, but this I know for sure, there is NEVER a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. Mom you were the best mom I could ever have and I love you so much and I miss you so much. I am proud of you Mom and I am proud that you were my mom!

Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

All my love,

Amy