Dear Mom,
Today you would have been 84 years young on this earth, man do I miss you and man do I wish you were here to give you some blue hydrangeas.
This might be my biggest regret. Not sending you blue hydrangeas with daisies on your special days, especially the day you were born. Now in your honor I will make sure I build myself my own arrangement on your day in memory of you. Why? Well, for one I am not going to make it into Graham to bring anything to your grave. I know, you would say, “It is ok. I am not there anyways.” But, I still feel guilty and for some reason I feel the need to apologize for not visiting your grave or our home. The home you gave me so much love, so much direction, and so many prayers.
You know I have yet to go home since your funeral over 3.5 years ago. I just can’t. I know that was your dream home. You LOVED our home and you took care of it with so much pride. You not being there makes it feel like a black hole. I know I need to go and sit in there and remember. Remember all the love, all the fun, all the bad, all the ugly, all the miracles, all the things….I just can’t…..
My friend Tiffany told me it is ok. It is ok to be grieving the good. I think that is what I am doing now. I have grieved the loss of you. I have grieved not getting to hear your voice every day at three o’clock. I have grieved not being able to call you when life has been really, really, really, hard, and now…..now I will grieve all those beautiful moments and memories. Memories I am so lucky to have because I had you as a mom.
Mom, I miss you. For some reason I miss you more now that I am grieving the good, but I know….”This too shall pass…”, that is what you would say and you would remind me you are here. In spirit and in my heart and truly in my soul.
I love you mom.
