I miss you. Do you miss me?

Dec 29

Dec 29 I miss you. Do you miss me?

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Amy's Adventures, Grief

Dear Mom,

It has been 365 days since your last breath and it still feels like it was just yesterday. You know I still try to call you sometimes at 3:00 and I think to myself, Amy Irene, what on earth? I can't help it. I miss you so and I miss our talks. Boy do I miss our talks. And why didn't you have a personalized message on your voice mail? I hate that automated message! It would have been so nice to have your voice! I miss your voice. I miss our talks!

You were always there for me whenever I called. Never judging me and only giving advice if I asked. I so appreciated that about you. No matter how bad it was, you NEVER gave me advice unless I said, "Mom, what would you do?" or "Mom what do I do?" That is such a special gift you know. It seems like the rest of the world feels that they have to give you advice. I don't know why, because sometimes I just need to talk. You knew this about me. You knew me mom. You knew me inside and out. You knew what made me tick, you knew what brought me joy, you knew what brought me hurts, you knew my heart. I miss this. I miss you. Do you miss me?

The cardinal sitting outside the window while I was talking to Robin....is this you?

I feel you sometimes. I really do. Just the other day, Christmas morning actually, when I was on the phone with Robin I felt you. We were talking and crying about you. Was that you in the window? The red cardinal? I felt this strange peace wash over me and I told Robin I felt you. Was that you? I wish I knew.

There is a lot I wish I knew. Like did you know how much I loved you and still do? Do you know how proud I am of you and how proud I am that you were and are my mom? Do you know how amazing you were? Do you know that I think you were the funniest and prettiest red head? Do you know how much I loved your eyes? Do you know that you taught me the gift of forgiveness and kindness? Do you know you taught me the gift of prayer? Do you know this mom? If you don't I hope you do now.

Just the other day I was praying in my quiet time and started to chuckle as I looked down at my prayer "hit list." You know I never had one of these. Seriously! And it was around your birthday I started to take my friends and families prayers seriously. Sure if someone asked me to pray for them in the past I would. Right at that moment actually in case I forgot. Now, because of you, I write the prayers down until they tell me they have been answered! I learned this from you! And it is so amazing when someone calls to say the prayer has been answered. Sure at times I get not great news and the mystery is there as to "why God?", but, since I have started my daily ritual of prayer I have this peace about me. I have this because of watching you. Thank you Mom.

One of your many recipe cards....I will cherish them always.

I wish I was as organized as you. Maybe you could sprinkle some of that down on me from heaven. Lord knows Trey would appreciate that. I do have the gift of cooking for my family that you had. Man you could cook! And this year I plan on tackling your recipes and trying the ones I remember out on the family. I will report back to you what we love and what we don't! It will be fun! I love looking at your recipe cards and seeing your handwriting. I miss your hand writing! I miss you!

I know Dad misses you too. We had a good cry yesterday. I went to Michaels to get fake hydrangeas for your grave. You loved blue hydrangeas and at this time of year I know they will die so Dad and I decided on fake. I hope you don't mind. I can hear you now, "Save your money, they will collect dust." But, I don't care. I am bringing them to you. I think it turned out nice. Dad loves it. He cried when I showed it to him after I made it. He misses you, but I promise we are all taking good good care of him. He is getting all kinds of attention and we keep up with his meds and doctor's appointments. Robin does a great job of getting him to Graham to get his hair cut, he still won't get it cut here, and he and I have a date once a week for lunch and I bring my friend Cathy. I think he really enjoys it. He comes to a lot of his grandkids activities and Robin brings him to church on Sunday and they brunch and I think he is very happy.

The fake flowers for your grave...sorry...real ones will die at this time of year.

Christmas was hard for him. Especially when we did Grubba Guitar. He would cry some, laugh some, and sing some. I know he wishes you could have been with us experiencing it and honestly I think he is scared he will not be able to experience it next year. It has to be scary knowing your wife is gone and you are aging. I promise we are all doing a good job of keeping him busy and making memories. You would be so proud of your kids and how we are all doing our part. That is because you taught us by showing us how important family is. Thank you.

Robin taking very good care of Dad on Christmas night.  He is in Good hands mom.  I promise. — Robin taking very good care of Dad on Christmas night. He is in Good hands mom. I promise.

Paul is taking great care of Benji too! He has to kennel him whenever blonde boys come over. That dog has a thing against toe heads, but for the most part he is content. I know he misses you too, but Paul has kept up his word and Benji is still alive and kicking and happy as can be. He actually has been good for Paul's dog Beau. Paul's cat might think otherwise, but Beau and Benji enjoy each other. I asked Erin if he sits with her in the mornings like he did you while she drinks her coffee and he does! She even keeps him pretty and groomed! So Benji is happy and pretty!

The house is in great shape! Vahid and Jeanette have been amazing in helping us with this as well as your cleaning lady, Magda. I still call her and she always says it is an honor and a privilege to clean for you. You had such a way with people mom. I think it is pretty special!

Will turned 16 on December 9 and Dad gave Will your car for his birthday. What a gift that was and is! Thank you!

So as you can see, life is still going on, but you are still very much a part of our lives and we all miss you so, especially me. You were my rock and my best friend. Life is not the same without you, but I feel you and sense you at times. I am still pretty sad, but I know you would want me to continue on and I do. I have found joy in my blog and maybe through it I will touch people like you use to touch people. It does bring me peace when I write, especially when I write about you. I am still dancing and that brings me so much joy. You know how much I love to dance! And I have discovered the gift of cooking for my family like you always cooked for us! Thank you! I know now how much work and thought you put into it. Life is not and never will be the same without you, but I will carry you in my heart always and I will look for you! I will look for your beautiful eyes in the bright blue sky. I will look for your smile that was radiant as the sun when the sun is out. I will look for your huge heart in the massive sky at night with all the beautiful stars that shine like you do. I will look for you everywhere mom and I will love you always!