Dear Mom,
Dear Mom,
Well, here we are! Three years later and yep I still miss ya! But, I can honestly say that the saying, “Time heals,” is very true. I hate that I am saying that too because I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT SAYING! Not sure why, but maybe because the truth is I wanted more time. But, we didn’t get that and I am healing.
For a while I think I held onto the grief because in a sick way I thought it meant I loved you more and it would keep you more alive, which we all know is NOT POSSIBLE. Weird thought I know, but grief is weird and I have realized it never really ends. It changes and it goes through ALL KINDS of stages and I personally think everyone has their “own” stages. I think each individuals grief is different because each relationship is unique.
Our relationship was so unique and so special. I miss our daily 3 p.m. calls and our talks. I miss hearing you telling me about the cool gadget you ordered off of some infomercial and they way Trey and I would totally make fun of you! We still do you know! Every time we see an As Seen On TV we say, “The Red Head would have loved that!” I miss your blue eyes and your telling me about all the people you were praying for. I miss you mom! So much!!!!!! But I am ready to move to the next stage or whatever it is and not let this grief hold me back. Do you know I still have not gone to our home in Graham? I just can’t, but maybe I should. I missed my high school reunion because the truth is I did not want to see our home.
I realize now holding onto the grief is not what you would want. You would want me to remember you and the good times, which I do, but for some reason I am still holding on to sadness…..I also realize it is not a sign of weakness nor is it a lack of faith. Grief is just part of loss and it sneaks up at the weirdest moments. When it does sneak up Mom, I have learned just to feel my way through it and give myself love and grace, something you would have done for me if you were here. Oh how I wish you were here.
You are not here physically, but I know you are with me mom. You are in my heart. You are in my memories. You are in the sun when it wraps me in warmth. You are in the stars when they shine down on me. You are in heaven waiting for me and my prayer is you are with my baby and together you both know and feel my love like I feel yours.
So today as I celebrate your third heavenly birthday mom, know I love you and I am so proud you were my mom!
Happy Heavenly Birthday!
All my love,
Amy
P.S. Robin snapped this photo last night and sent it to Chuck, Paul, and I saying it was a gift to us from you. Thank you! We all really got a kick out of it!!!!! Keep sending us love……
Dear Jesus....
Dear Jesus….
Yep you read that right! I am writing a letter to Jesus and full disclosure, I am not having my amazing friend Lyndsy edit this because Jesus loves me as I am! Imperfect and flawed. Just like this letter will be. Imperfect; grammatically and however else! I woke up this morning and decided to do this and thought to myself, “Hey, it might be a mess, but so am I! And Jesus still loves me!” So……here it goes!
Dear Jesus,
Yesterday in my quiet time, I was asked to write a letter to myself from you. It was really a powerful experience and one in which I realized you adore me and today I sing, “Oh come let us adore Him.”
Jesus, do you know I do adore you? I mean sometimes my behavior, my thoughts, my actions, my words, and my feelings do not show it. But, I am in awe of you. I want to know you more. I know you know me, every last fiber in me, you know me and I want to know you!
I know you were born in a manger, with nothing but swaddling cloth. You came from Heaven above to save me, to save the world. You had a mom and a dad who really was not your dad! You were raised with nothing, but love. And that was all you needed. Love! AND love is all we need.
Yet every Christmas, I fall short of remembering this. Every Christmas I find myself wondering did I get the best gift for the kids, did I get enough for them, did I miss someone I should have given a gift to, and if I am being really honest I find myself getting myself stuff I want but really don’t need. I know this is not a sin, but it is when we forget whose birthday today really is.
Sure some people were born this very day. BUT I was not, nor were any of my kids, yet we wake up Christmas morning rearing to tear into all those gifts of what we want! Graeme was up at 3:21 am!!!!! It is all about things, but this Christmas my vow to you is to remember you. To bring you back into my home more than we already do. My vow is to remember it is your birthday. Not mine. Mine is October 22 and that is when I can get the $500 perfume I love. However, full disclosure, I got it today! Course you already know this!
Yes gift giving is fun! So fun! Matter of fact, Trey would argue gift giving is my love language. I need to read the book still so I say the verdict is out on that, but I do love seeing the joy in the receivers eyes and feeling it in my heart. It is like they are giving me a gift back. But, I truly want to remember the meaning of December 25.
Do I think you care that I give gifts? No, I really don’t. As a matter of fact I think you get a kick out of it when someone gives a very thoughtful gift. I think that brings you joy to see the receivers joy and the love exchanged by the two. However, I do think you get sad with all the commercialization that has come with Christmas. The over the top decor, the parties, the pressures of the cards and gifts. This is not what you intended. So this Christmas I have simplified and as I sit here writing this letter to you I realize I have enjoyed this season even more.
You know I do not do Christmas Cards anymore and funny thing, even my Hubby wishes I did. But, I don’t! I did not do them in 2016 when my mom was sick and dying and I realized everyone still liked me. Some say they miss them, but you and I both know the peace that has come from not dealing with that! 2018 I did feel some guilt and regret about it, but this year I was FREED from those feelings and it feels so good! Do I love getting Christmas Cards from others? Yes! Truth be known, but only if they LOVE doing it! Some people really do! I just don’t.
Decorating! That is what I like to do! My friend Cathy says it looks like Santa vomited in my house! Ha! I love that! And I think you are way o.k. with this too, as long as we remember why we are doing all the lights and decorations! We do it to celebrate you! A couple of years ago Trey decided we would do red and white lights outside on the house. I asked why and his response was, “The red and white would remind of us all the purity and simplicity of you in the white and the blood you shed in the red.” Another confession since I seem to be full of them today, I did not really like that idea then, now I look at them and I love them. I had to grow a little I guess.
Now I look at those lights and remember how you pour your grace on me and my family daily and how this grace is available to the world! The righteous, the unrighteous, the poor, the rich, the pretty, the ugly, the black, the white, the brown, the red, the skinny, the fat, the blonde, the curly hair, the freckled, the scarred, the just, and the unjust. Your grace is available to us all and what a gift that is and the more amazing thing is that you expect nothing back. Nothing….Even from those who persecute you. Amazing! You do not withhold your love towards anyone!!!!! What a gift!
I am not sure I can do this, but my vow to you today is to try. The more I know you the easier it is to love others. To love those that are hardest to love. To love and not expect it back. To love those who do give me something in return; hatred and malice.
So on this day, your birthday, my gift you to you is to be the best follower of you that I can be. I will try my very hardest to love everyone because I want to do my best in reflecting the love you give me. Truth be known, I am that person that is hard to love to someone out there. I know this. I have let others down, I have pulled away, I have judged, and I have been not such a great friend, and I don’t deserve there love. But I will pray today they forgive me and will pray they too will pray for me and love me even when I am unlovable. If we all did this, what a beautiful place the world would be.
Baby Jesus, I want to know you more. I want to give you more. More of me.
Happy Birthday Jesus! I am so glad it is Christmas!
I Will Always Love You!
Amy
Mommy and Me Time
Dear Mom,
Mother’s Day number 3 without you is going down in the books. Time does make this easier for sure, but I still get those sudden surges of grief where this rush of sadness overcomes me and I just want to crumble. I still wonder “what if”….
What if we had moved you to Dallas? What if we had forced you out of your house into assisted living? What if I had come home more? All the “what if’s” give me is pain. Real pain. I imagine things going differently. I imagine you still here IF we had only done things differently.
It is selfish of me actually. I want you here because this year has been hard and I could have used my mom. So selfishly I sit here saying, “What if we had moved you to Dallas?” Well, here is the what if….If we had moved you to Dallas you might be dead anyways due to loneliness. All of your friends and your entire life was in Graham. You LOVED that town. You LOVED your friends. You LOVED your church. So even if you were here in Dallas, you might not have been able to be there for me like I wanted, like I needed. The “what if” we had made you move to assisted living….well, I am not going to lie. I personally think you would of thrived there. You LOVED people! You loved being around people. You loved serving people. I think you would have been the Mayorette of the assisted living in Graham, but the point is that is not what you wanted. I wanted it. For selfish reasons! So you would still be here!
I have learned alot through all my counseling since you have been gone. One big thing is everyone has a right to feel how they want. Be who they want. Live THEIR life how they want. That is what you did. No it is not what I wanted and no it did not end how I wanted it to, but I am proud to say you got to do it your way. You lived your life your way up until the very end and you did it with strength and you did it with grace.
I still remember having the conversation with you in the ICU at Presbyterian Hospital about dying. You were not scared at all. I told you I was and your response to me was a very quiet response I remember. You simply said very quietly, “Everybody has to do it.” I remember crying and asking you if were you scared. I was so concerned about you being scared. You held my hand and said, “No.”
We both knew your day was coming and it was coming fast. Funny thing is you surprised us all and got out of the hospital! I remember thinking we were dodging a bullet. Only to have that bullet hit two weeks later and I never saw it coming. I still remember “Your day.” I remember what I was wearing. My perfume. My hair. All of it! I got up early and went to Starbucks, which is so unlike me. I got to the hospital before all my siblings! I remember thinking we were going to have some “Mommy and me time”. I literally thought that. Boy was I mistaken.
I knew they had intubated you the night before, but they made it sound like it was to make it easier on you so you could heal from the sepsis. I remember calling my girlfriend Leigh who is a nurse and saying, “Is this prolonging death?” I remember Leigh gently saying it would keep you calm and peaceful. It would breathe for you, but if you did not want extraordinary measures I needed to listen to your wishes. I remember going to bed relieved that the tube would calm you Mom and that you could heal. So basically I decided you were going to live! And I told my brain it was going to be ok and I firmly believed it!
I decided I would get to the hospital early to cheer you on in that endeavor! When I arrived the door was shut to your room and I remember the minute I opened it there were two nurses and a doctor in the room. A very kind nurse asked me if I was family. I nodded because I could tell something was not right. My gut knew it. You were asleep….so I thought, but you were really unconcious. Your organs were shutting down and I was the first one on the scene so I was the one who got the news. I crumbled to the ground and they got me a chair. I kept saying I was suppose to get to talk to you agian. I remember asking the nurse this question, “Will I hear my moms voice again?” She shook her head no very slowly and help me while I cried.
She was a good nurse and I never got her name because that day from that moment on is a blur to me. If I did get it I forgot it. Funny how it is nurses week and here is a prime example of someone who was my hero that day and I don’t even know her name so I will never be able to thank her for the strength she brought me so I could call each sibling and tell them to come the hospital. My sister actually got there while this was all happening so that was one less phone call. And my sister in true “get things done fashion” started asking all the questions of “What if we do this”, “What if we do that”. I remember just being numb and holding your hand begging for you to squeeze mine……that did not happen and later that afternoon your time came and you slowly and peacefully left us.
I miss you so much Mom and as I said in the beginning of this letter….time does heal…..but I do miss you so. Some days more than others, but this I know for sure, there is NEVER a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. Mom you were the best mom I could ever have and I love you so much and I miss you so much. I am proud of you Mom and I am proud that you were my mom!
Happy Mother’s Day Mom!
All my love,
Amy
Letter to God
Dear God,
As I sit here to write this letter today, I am conflicted. Conflicted on the one hand because deep down in my heart I know you exist. I know you are there, but on the other hand I really don’t think I have believed that as of late. It is safe to say I am not sure I even trust you have me and my family in your best interest. That pains me to say it, but I realize it is true. I know you know what all this family has endured in the last year. I know you know all the pain and I also know that I feel abandoned somewhat so I am coming today in hopes that if I get this out and off my chest I can let go of it.
I am mad at you. Really mad. I don’t understand alot of things and I don’t understand you really. What is weird is you keep finding little ways to show me you still have me and you are here. Just the other day for instance, in the book I am reading the author suggested a new way to read scripture. Slower, more methodical if you will. She explained sometimes something might stand out. A word, a verse, whatever. If it does she said to stop. Well, yesterday in Hebrews 3 what stood out to me was Jesus WAS faithful. Moses WAS faithful. For me it was a whisper to stay faithful. I stopped right there and wrote that down in my journal and on my to do list. I made a vow that I would refer to it when I felt you were not with me. I held on to that all day. This morning I got up and started back in Hebrews 3 and kept reading and in the same chapter another thing stood out. Hebrews 3:6 talks about how I am the house and Jesus built me and He would never destroy me. So….I wrote that down on my to do list and referred back to it all day. Today was one of those days too where I needed it. BAD! Maybe that is why I decided to write to you.
Want to know what else is weird? I have not even decorated for Easter. My friends who know me know that is not normal. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Not sure why, but honestly I have not even thought about the fact that it is lent! What does that say about me? I am not sure. I know it bothers me. Why? Well, because I was raised in the church. I was raised to know you. I was raised knowing lent was a time to give something up. Which personally while we are on the topic I think is stupid! Giving up chocolate is suppose to make me closer to you? I don’t think so. Give up coke? Forget it! That will just make me crabby! I like the idea of doing good and being more like you. It’s kind of a mute point anyways! This is the last week of lent! So whatever…..
Point is I am kind of lost right now and really wondering where you are. I am not really sure what is at the root of this either. Is it anger? Is it unforgiveness? Is it a person or people? Is it a situation? I don’t know…the only real thing I know is I was taught long ago by Mom and Dad that simply following you does not make life any easier. Sometimes life is hard, sometimes people hurt you, sometimes situations stink, and they said when this happens hit your knees and pray. Well, I have been. I have even gone so far as to pray for people that have hurt me. All I want is peace. Isn’t that what we all want?
So as I sit here and write this honest to God (no pun intended) I feel a peace coming about me. Weird how this happens. As I reflect I am reminded that the first words out of your mouth after you rose from the dead were “PEACE”….. Which is really weird seeing that Easter is days away….so I am days away from the day you said this! I know the enemy is just attacking and I know he will continue to attack and you know what I am going to say to that…BRING IT YOU IDIOT! I am realizing while typing this letter that yes this has been a tough year, but you know what else, I am realzing my family is all the stronger for it and so am I. I am realizing you are working through me and my family and I am realizing that right now I know in my heart I believe in you and I know you…. I am just not sure what you, God, will do with me and my family. Want to know what else? It is ok. I love you and I know you love me. So I will just remember….I can’t, You can, so I will let you! I can’t love right now, but you can love me, so I will let you…I can’t take this hurt from my heart or change it, but you can, so I will let you…..I can’t change the situation, but you can, so I will let you…..I don’t know what the future holds, but you do, so I will trust you.
That is all I can do…..Thank you for loving me and my family and I know you will forgive me for this letter and I know you understand. Thank you for that!
Love your child,
Amy
Does Time Heal?
Dear Mom,
It has been two years since you left this world. Two years since I have been able to talk to you and hear your sweet, sweet, jersey accent. Oh how I miss it and you. A lot has happened in these two years without you and yet it still seems unreal that you are not here. It is weird, sometimes it feels like you are here. I know in my heart those are signs you are sending me to let me know you are. For this I am forever grateful.
So two years and one would think that the saying “Time Heals” would begin to apply. Mom, I am not sure I will ever heal from the loss of you. You were my best friend, you were my mother, you carried me for nine months, you loved me when I was unloveable, you believed in me, and you raised me. No time does not heal Mom, but I can say that time has taught me how to live with the greatest loss. The loss of you.
I miss you so and this year was a really, really, rough year. But, I am proud to say I honestly feel like I got through it with grace and I think you would be proud. No, I take that back. I don’t think it, I know you are proud. Guess what Mom, I am so proud and I am so proud to say I know I got through it because of the lessons and virtues you instilled in me. You taught me how to fight and not give up. You taught me how to believe. You taught me how to pray and you taught me about faith. Thank you Mom!
So on this heavenly birthday I really hope you are up there celebrating the legacy you have left. A beautiful legacy of Fatih, Love, Kindness, Hope, and Strength. Happy Heavenly Birthday Mom! I miss you so!
All my Love,
Amy
PS. Dad is still kicking and doing great! Robin and I are still working well together taking care of him and Paul has kept his word on taking care of Benji! Chuck comes in as often as he can to see Dad and you would be proud to know the Foley kids are enveloping him in love. So don’t worry your cute little red head one bit! The dog and Dad are GREAT!
If you have experienced a loss sometimes journaling and mediation/prayer help heal the void. This book can help you one day at a time….that is what it is all about after all….one day at a time.
Dear Mom,
A letter to my precious mother in Heaven.
Dear Mom,
It is my second Mother's Day without you and I feel guilty for admitting this, but the saying that it gets easier with time is true. The saying that the first are the hardest, meaning your first mother's day without you was harder than this one has been. I feel bad for saying this, but it is true. Why is it that I think I should hold on to the pain of missing you? I know that is not what you would want. I know you would want me to find joy today and to enjoy my boys and enjoy being a mom.
As you know when you left this world, my entire being was rocked to the core. I had no idea how much it would hurt. Our brains tell us our parents will leave this earth before we do, if everything goes according to our earthly plans, but our hearts-well that is a different story. Through my grief I went to tons of counseling, read tons of books on coping through loss, and talked to whoever was in the club I call, "My Mom's in Heaven Club." One of the BEST pieces advice I ever received was from Gramzee. She told me whenever I was missing you or on special days, like mother's day to write you. I listened to her advice and oh how it has helped my heart and my soul. I shared one letter on the anniversary of your death with the world. I feel like sharing these letters might open up the door to someone else hurting from their loss to write their loved one in heaven. Do you see Mom, you are gone but you are still touching people and you are still there for people. You were and are so special still.
I want you to know we are all doing o.k. Robin and I are still working well together daily with Dad. Paul and Erin have been a huge help on weekends and still have your devil dog Benji! Paul has kept his word and Benji is still alive and kicking. He has actually calmed down quite a bit, still jumpy, but is very sweet. I now know he was so bad while you were alive because you spoiled him rotten and he was a brat! Chuck is doing amazing and getting married! Yep, getting married and to Renee who you know. She was so good with you in the end and you really liked her so I know you would be and are thrilled! Chuck writes Dad weekly now and every time a letter comes in the mail Dad lights up. It is really fun to watch.
Speaking of Dad, he is doing GREAT mom! He still has good days and bad days, but more good than bad. I know he misses you dearly though. When Barbara Bush died, he was glued to the t.v. and cried a lot. I kept trying to change the channel and he would not let me. I finally got the guts up and asked if watching reminded him of you and he said, "YES! I miss her." He had tears in his eyes and I knew he was trying to tell me something. I asked if watching made him feel closer to you and he said yes and I asked if he felt it was healing. He said yes the tears felt good. So, I let him watch-good or bad I don't know, but I let him do it and I sat and cried with him. A lot of tears were shed that week, but it was good.
My boys are doing GREAT Mom. Sure we have have ups and downs. What house does not with three very active boys! I will highlight the ups as there is no need for you to worry about the downs. Graeme turned 7! Can you believe it? Seven years old! Feels like yesterday I was on bed rest and you were in the rehab facility and I would lie in your bed while you rehabbed! Good times Mom! And remember the ice there? I LOVED that ice! JP, well BIG news here Mom! He is going to New York this summer! He has been cast in Disney and Roger and Hammerstein's DVD of High School Musical Jr! You always said he had the "it" factor and mom he sure does! I so wish you were here to see it! Will, is doing amazing with soccer and he has been picked up by a College Showcase team and will be playing for them. He was picked up by a German Soccer program as well, but we unfortunately cannot do that at this time as he has also decided he wants to be a missionary mom! How beautiful is that? So he will be going to Costa Rica this summer to work in the mission fields. I know you would be so proud of all three of them!
Trey and I are doing great. Trey still dreams of living on the water someday, I just hope he will let all three boys graduate before he moves me, but I am channeling you and living in the present and letting him dream. Dreaming is fun and dreaming is healthy. You would be happy to know Trey is so good with Dad. He helps me pick him up often and he lunches with Dad and I a lot. He and Dad watch a lot of movies together and my heart burst with joy every time I walk in and they are watching something together other than Fox News. That is one thing Dad does too much we think and Trey has figured out the code on getting Dad to watch something else. How sweet is that and how lucky am I to have a husband who loves my father and helps me care for him? So really no need to worry about Dad! He is in good hands Mom!
That is life as of late in a nutshell and I so wish you were here to share it with, but you are not. So as I sit here writing I just want you to know that, yes, this year seems easier, but I still miss you so much Mom! There is NOT one day that I don't think of you and there are a lot of days I wish I could call you. You are still here with me in spirit and I know this and my wish is if you do see this letter mom that you know I love you just as much today as I did the day you left this world, maybe even more and I am so grateful you were my Mom and still are.
Happy Mothers Day Mom!
All my love,
Amy