Grieving the Good
Sometimes we grieve the good longer than the loss of the person.……
Dear Mom,
Today you would have been 84 years young on this earth, man do I miss you and man do I wish you were here to give you some blue hydrangeas.
This might be my biggest regret. Not sending you blue hydrangeas with daisies on your special days, especially the day you were born. Now in your honor I will make sure I build myself my own arrangement on your day in memory of you. Why? Well, for one I am not going to make it into Graham to bring anything to your grave. I know, you would say, “It is ok. I am not there anyways.” But, I still feel guilty and for some reason I feel the need to apologize for not visiting your grave or our home. The home you gave me so much love, so much direction, and so many prayers.
You know I have yet to go home since your funeral over 3.5 years ago. I just can’t. I know that was your dream home. You LOVED our home and you took care of it with so much pride. You not being there makes it feel like a black hole. I know I need to go and sit in there and remember. Remember all the love, all the fun, all the bad, all the ugly, all the miracles, all the things….I just can’t…..
My friend Tiffany told me it is ok. It is ok to be grieving the good. I think that is what I am doing now. I have grieved the loss of you. I have grieved not getting to hear your voice every day at three o’clock. I have grieved not being able to call you when life has been really, really, really, hard, and now…..now I will grieve all those beautiful moments and memories. Memories I am so lucky to have because I had you as a mom.
Mom, I miss you. For some reason I miss you more now that I am grieving the good, but I know….”This too shall pass…”, that is what you would say and you would remind me you are here. In spirit and in my heart and truly in my soul.
I love you mom.
Happy Earthly Birthday! Hope you are eating all the sugar you can being that you were a diabetic and never could here.
Love you big! Miss you Lots!
Amy
That Time Again
Dear Mom,
Here we go again….another Mother’s Day without you. If I am being honest it gets easier, but I still need you and I still miss you like crazy. However, I am learning that the saying I hate the most….you know the one…."time heals all wounds”, well that stupid saying is true. There! I have admitted it.
All those years you told me when my heart hurt, “Amy, these things take time, time will heal your heart, time heals.” I wanted to chunk something at you, but instead I rolled my eyes. Well I guess the joke is on me. You can roll those beautiful blue eyes at me Mom. I deserve it!
Why? Because, you might be the biggest wound I have ever experienced, along with Baby Berry, but again if I am being honest, I think your wound is bigger. You were my best friend. You were my mother. You carried me for nine months, then you picked me up whenever I needed it for 46 years! You were my biggest fan and you were my biggest confidante. You showed me what true faith is. You showed me what true forgiveness does. You showed me what it was to be loyal and to serve others. You showed me that winning feels like everything, but it is not. Even when you lose if you celebrate with the winner you win! You showed me how to cook, how to care for my family, and how to be a friend. And now you are gone.
But, the wound is healing nicely. I am learning to find you in different ways. I am learning to find you in the quiet of the morning when I spend time with God. I am learning to find you on my walks with Trey. I am learning to find you while I cook and while I clean. I see you in my boys eyes. I feel you in my heart. I know you are here. I just know it. And times when I am really needing you…..well at those times I buy hydrangeas! Your favorite! And I find that peace again. I keep your rosary by my bed and your cross from your casket in my front room. I know, morbid, but hey, it brings me comfort!!!!! So if that is what it takes to close the wound, than so be it.
I still have not gone back to Graham. I just can’t. I imagine myself at home with you and knowing you are not there breaks me, but I will get there someday.
People might wonder why I still write to you. I feel for them because to me that says they did not have a mom like I did. I don’t ever want to forget you. Your red hair. Your beautiful blue eyes. Your pink lipstick. Your funky arthritic hands that worked so hard for us, your cute little pinky toe, your Jersey accent, and your spunky fiery way! That is why I keep writing to you! And because of the relationship we had. You were my mom and I was your Amy. I miss you so mom! I love you so!
Happy Mother’s Day to the BEST Mom EVER! Thank you for loving me, protecting me, providing for me, and believing in me!
All my love,
Amy
Does Time Heal?
Dear Mom,
It has been two years since you left this world. Two years since I have been able to talk to you and hear your sweet, sweet, jersey accent. Oh how I miss it and you. A lot has happened in these two years without you and yet it still seems unreal that you are not here. It is weird, sometimes it feels like you are here. I know in my heart those are signs you are sending me to let me know you are. For this I am forever grateful.
So two years and one would think that the saying “Time Heals” would begin to apply. Mom, I am not sure I will ever heal from the loss of you. You were my best friend, you were my mother, you carried me for nine months, you loved me when I was unloveable, you believed in me, and you raised me. No time does not heal Mom, but I can say that time has taught me how to live with the greatest loss. The loss of you.
I miss you so and this year was a really, really, rough year. But, I am proud to say I honestly feel like I got through it with grace and I think you would be proud. No, I take that back. I don’t think it, I know you are proud. Guess what Mom, I am so proud and I am so proud to say I know I got through it because of the lessons and virtues you instilled in me. You taught me how to fight and not give up. You taught me how to believe. You taught me how to pray and you taught me about faith. Thank you Mom!
So on this heavenly birthday I really hope you are up there celebrating the legacy you have left. A beautiful legacy of Fatih, Love, Kindness, Hope, and Strength. Happy Heavenly Birthday Mom! I miss you so!
All my Love,
Amy
PS. Dad is still kicking and doing great! Robin and I are still working well together taking care of him and Paul has kept his word on taking care of Benji! Chuck comes in as often as he can to see Dad and you would be proud to know the Foley kids are enveloping him in love. So don’t worry your cute little red head one bit! The dog and Dad are GREAT!
