That Time Again

Dear Mom,

Here we go again….another Mother’s Day without you. If I am being honest it gets easier, but I still need you and I still miss you like crazy. However, I am learning that the saying I hate the most….you know the one…."time heals all wounds”, well that stupid saying is true. There! I have admitted it.

All those years you told me when my heart hurt, “Amy, these things take time, time will heal your heart, time heals.” I wanted to chunk something at you, but instead I rolled my eyes. Well I guess the joke is on me. You can roll those beautiful blue eyes at me Mom. I deserve it!

Why? Because, you might be the biggest wound I have ever experienced, along with Baby Berry, but again if I am being honest, I think your wound is bigger. You were my best friend. You were my mother. You carried me for nine months, then you picked me up whenever I needed it for 46 years! You were my biggest fan and you were my biggest confidante. You showed me what true faith is. You showed me what true forgiveness does. You showed me what it was to be loyal and to serve others. You showed me that winning feels like everything, but it is not. Even when you lose if you celebrate with the winner you win! You showed me how to cook, how to care for my family, and how to be a friend. And now you are gone.

But, the wound is healing nicely. I am learning to find you in different ways. I am learning to find you in the quiet of the morning when I spend time with God. I am learning to find you on my walks with Trey. I am learning to find you while I cook and while I clean. I see you in my boys eyes. I feel you in my heart. I know you are here. I just know it. And times when I am really needing you…..well at those times I buy hydrangeas! Your favorite! And I find that peace again. I keep your rosary by my bed and your cross from your casket in my front room. I know, morbid, but hey, it brings me comfort!!!!! So if that is what it takes to close the wound, than so be it.

I still have not gone back to Graham. I just can’t. I imagine myself at home with you and knowing you are not there breaks me, but I will get there someday.

People might wonder why I still write to you. I feel for them because to me that says they did not have a mom like I did. I don’t ever want to forget you. Your red hair. Your beautiful blue eyes. Your pink lipstick. Your funky arthritic hands that worked so hard for us, your cute little pinky toe, your Jersey accent, and your spunky fiery way! That is why I keep writing to you! And because of the relationship we had. You were my mom and I was your Amy. I miss you so mom! I love you so!

Happy Mother’s Day to the BEST Mom EVER! Thank you for loving me, protecting me, providing for me, and believing in me!

All my love,

Amy