Funny thing is, I am sitting here in my father’s hospital room writing this and I feel like I am reliving that journey all over. However, things are a lot different this go around. Some of it is more obvious….it is my dad, not my mom. Some of it is more similar, we are here as a result of a fall and complications from the fall. But something very important is different. ME! I am different. My mindset, my faith, my attitude, and my priorities…..all different.
I have come to the realization that God is in control. Funny thing to say I know, but it is true. I have learned so much about myself through my writing and if I am being honest, tons of therapy, these past two years. One of the things I learned about myself was that I truly did not trust God. That was a hard realization. I truly thought I knew what was best. Still do at times. I thought I knew how things should go. Still do at times. My prayers were more negotiations then gratitude. Still are at times. It is hard not to slip back into 46 years of that thought training. But I wake up every day and I hit my knees and I pray:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference. Your Will God…Not mine……Let Your Will Be Done Today…Amen.
That prayer right there my friend makes all the difference. Is it like lighting striking and I know I am healed everyday, and I go on with my day in peace? Heck no! Not even close. Some days, actually a lot of days lately, I find myself repeating that prayer over and over. Why? Because I am scared… and when I am scared I try to control things.
What drives this need for control? Fear! And fear is the devil’s friend and my worst enemy. Fear whispers in my ear and says, “You can control this. Just do this or say this.” Fear has me believe if I kick and scream or better yet cry, beg, and plea, things will go my way….they will do what I want. Fear has me looking at others lives and saying, “You will never be that, they are so happy, so strong, so pretty, so talented, so whatever…” Fear has me curl up in a ball on the couch, binge watch some show, and try to forget what is happening. Fear takes away precious moments and makes the devil do a dance. Fear is a nasty thing. When I feel it creeping in, which I do daily, I have to dig in deep, I pray, and I release it to God. I look at what it is that is driving the fear and 99.9999999 percent of the time it is something or someone that I have ZERO control over. True Story!
So…. I ask for the courage to show me what I can change. Do you know what happens when I do this? Slowly but surely I realize I am the only thing that can change! Sometimes it is my attitude that needs an adjustment. Sometimes it is a boundary I need to put up and stick to. Sometimes it is perspective and just looking at whatever it is in a different lens. Sometimes it is that I need to just slow down and relax. Sometimes it is my priorities. Almost always though, the only thing I can change is something about me!!!!! Truly. My reactions, my emotions, my thoughts, what I will or will not do, what I say or don’t say, point is….. it almost always comes back to me.
