She is not here...

Big Day Today!

It's my birthday!

I am 47!

I am announcing my Blog!

I woke up to the sweetest cards and flowers!

WHY AM I SAD?

Sweetest cards, flowers, and chocolate.  My heart is full.

I am not your typical birthday girl.  Birthdays do not bother me at all.  I look at them as gifts.  The gift of another day on this beautiful earth.  But today I am sad.

I sit down to do my quiet time and my mind is racing-So bad I cannot quiet it.  Instead of doing QT I decide to work on my blog.  After all, today is the big day!  There are plenty of loose ends- as this blog is a work in progress.  I decide to try to work on some technical issues (I will not bore you with the details) that I have been struggling with for a while now.  

Long story short, I go into settings to trouble shoot and BAM!  Just like that, on a silver platter, in black in white, are the instructions and help I have been looking and searching for!  For almost two weeks now!  And it hit me!  It hit me hard!  It hit me like a ton of bricks!  

Dear Mom, I love you-Amy

 She is not here!  My mom is not here!

The person who brought me into this world and was one of the first people to see and hold me is not here!  The reason I started this blog is not here!  She has ALWAYS been here on this day and I have ALWAYS spoken to her on this day!    AND NOW SHE IS NOT HERE!  And I am so sad!

 I realized as I begin to cry that the instructions I spoke of-that jumped out at me-were a gift from my mom.  Ironically she was not tech savvy at all!  Heck she barely knew what a computer was!  But, this was her way of nudging me and saying, "Happy Birthday Amy! I am here."  

It was then I realized what a perfect day to announce this blog.  My birthday!  You know why? Because on July 31 of this year, my moms birthday, was when I wrote my first story, but did not publish it.  It was July 31 that I decided it was time.  Now on October 22 I am going to go live with my grief and about one of the hardest losses I have ever wrestled with.  What a perfect day this will be- with the one exception.....she is not here.

xo,

Amy