Mother's Day is coming...How do you feel about that?
Mother’s day is coming…How do you feel about that?
I am having ALL kinds of emotions.
On the one hand, my mom is gone which makes it hard, but honestly, each mother’s day gets a little easier. You know the old adage, “time heals". It really does, although I freaking hate that saying. With that being said, I have so many friends that this is their “first” and my heart hurts for them. I remember like it was yesterday. The first is the worse!
I think I feel more pain for my friend’s hearts this year than my own. I remember that pain. It’s like an open wound that is bleeding and you pour hydrogen peroxide all over it and it just foams with pain. I know you know what I am talking about and to my friends that are going through this pain I say write your mom a letter. I know it sounds crazy, but I promise you this, it works! It truly works. Get yourself a beautiful candle, a cup of hot tea, find a quiet spot and just write your heart out to your mama. Everything you wish you said, everything you know she knows, and anything else. Tell her how things are going, just like she is here. It sounds crazy but there is something so healing about journaling.
Another emotion has sprung up this year….
This year I find my heart is breaking for the woman who has miscarried or lost a child. I had the privilege of speaking this past week to the women of Twelve 12 Ministries. While this was such an honor it brought back so many feelings. Feelings from when we lost our angel baby.
I remember thinking will anyone remember I am a mom of three. At the time we lost our baby I only had Will and JP and I wanted people to remember I had an angel baby and I was a mom of three. Nothing has changed in those emotions except that now I am a mom of four and I can’t help but think of the beautiful women out there that have no babies on this earth, but they have angel babies and I am sure they are thinking the same thing. Or the woman like me who is blessed with children here on earth, but she too has an angel baby. I know what they are thinking and feeling…. Will anyone remember and will anyone see me as a mother? My answer to them is YES! I DO! I see you and you are a beautiful mom! You are not invisible.
I see you and I want to celebrate with you! I want you to celebrate you. No matter if your child was in your womb 6 days, 6 weeks, 16 weeks, born but not living, or born but left us too soon…No matter how long, they still lived and you still loved them, YOU ARE STILL A MOTHER, and Mother’s Day is for you too!
So, how are you going to celebrate? You can celebrate even if those around do or not.
I have an idea or two. First, write your sweet baby a letter. Just like I told my friends above writing is the key to opening up your heart and soul. Writing is therapeutic and can take you to places of freedom no one else can. Trust me on this. So write your beautiful baby a letter. Tell them how much you love them and let them know you are ok knowing they are watching over you. After writing your letter go outside, move your body, connect with nature, and look for your sweet baby in the sun, the flowers, and the trees. Maybe plant a tree or flowers in honor of your child. If creativity lights your soul on fire, get creative. Paint something, make something, choreograph a dance in your babies memory. Whatever creative outlet you choose, do it in honor of your baby. Getting creative can be so therapeutic.
Wherever your pain is on this mom’s day, pull out those photos and remember. Where ever those keepsakes or photos are, pull them out, look at them slowly and remember. Maybe start a keepsake box as a beautiful way to remember and celebrate those you are missing.
Buy flowers! Flowers always make a room brighter.
Visit wherever you use to go with your mom and remember those precious moments….or visit a place you wish you could have taken your child go….sometimes leaning into the grief is more healing than avoiding it.
And finally, if you know someone going through the same pain….text them, call them, or write them. You might know how they are hurting or feel forgotten. Tell her, you love her…you see her….listen to her….you both will heal.
But hear me when I say this…There is no guilt or shame if you do NONE of these things…I want you to feel the freedom to do one, none, or all of these things. Maybe for you, it is best to stay in those jammies all day and under the covers. If that is the case, I get you and I see you. You are loved and so is your mom and or your child. You do whatever is best for you on mother’s day. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to celebrate mom’s day their way. You do it your way. Whatever your pain is. Don’t wait for someone to do something for you. You choose how to celebrate this first mom’s day without mom or baby.
Just know you are not forgotten. I see you and I am here for you.
XO,
Amy
PS…if you are looking for a community that can build you up and support you during your grief journey, join me and my amazing friends for free in my Facebook Group SOUL GOALS
Long Time No Write....
It has been a while since I sat down to really write something. I decided at the beginning of the summer I was going to focus on my family knowing when school started back I could pick right up where I left off. What has changed? Well a number of things. First and foremost I love it when I receive a DM on the gram or a DM on the book of face that says, “I miss your writing”, “I miss your inspiration”, or “I miss your recipes”. You guys have no idea what that does for me! But, trust me, I have been working on content and ideas here and there and I have hired a phenomenal coach who is helping me and I am hoping to blow this blog UP!!!! But, the other thing that has changed is I realized how much I personally need this blog. It is so healing for me and so cleansing and I need it!
How do I know this? Well, today is my sweet Mama’s birthday. She would have been 83…..and for those of you new here, she passed away in December of 2016. It still hurts. It hurts so bad sometimes that I can’t breathe. As I sit here writing this I wonder if some people get sick of hearing about it? Honestly, it does not matter because I know there is someone else reading this who is still missing their person as much as I am missing my mom and they need to hear it right here right now that, that is ok. My mom and I had such a neat relationship and we had great talks….everyday at 3 to be exact….and I miss that. And it is ok.
So today I decided to sit down and write because writing is cleansing. And honest to God yesterday in my “special journal”, the question was: Reflect upon your family. It could be a parent, sibling, grandparent, or someone else. How do they help shape your life? YALL!!!!!!! It is my mom!!!!!! I am going to take a picture and show you what I wrote!
My mom was AMAZING! Still is in my eyes and I truly believe my mom’s spirit is in me. She is in my heart and she is in my soul and that makes me so happy. Because anyone who knew that little red headed firecracker knows there was not a more pure spirit in this world. My mom loved ALMOST everybody. I can name one person, which I will not, who my mother did not have compassion or love for. Other than that, my mom never spoke ill of anyone. She loved the weak, the strong, the poor, the rich, the dumb, the smart, the homosexual, the hetrosexual, the Christian, the Jew, the Buddhist, the non Christian, the addict, the black, the white, and the brown. My mom was the epitome of love. Was she perfect? No, but in my eyes she came close. Did she have faults? Yes, but her strengths sure out weighed her faults. And her love was pure and real. Her love allowed me to be free to be who I am and I really think her love is part of the reason I march to my own beat. I will forever be grateful to my mom for this gift. My mom is part of the reason I know deeply that I am worthy of love and goodness in my life. She gave me so much love, support, and compassion, in the 46 years of life I spent with her that I truly believe she is the reason I am able to survive whatever comes at me. So today, on her 83 birthday I would like to say, “Thank you Mom! Thank you for loving me for me and for passing on the gifts of love, compassion, and forgiveness.'“
Happy Birthday Mom!
Love Always,
Amy
This journal is amazing! If you are really looking for growth, healing, or reflection, this journal is it. It gives you a prompt and the prompts are very good and very powerful!
Dear Mom,
A letter to my precious mother in Heaven.
Dear Mom,
It is my second Mother's Day without you and I feel guilty for admitting this, but the saying that it gets easier with time is true. The saying that the first are the hardest, meaning your first mother's day without you was harder than this one has been. I feel bad for saying this, but it is true. Why is it that I think I should hold on to the pain of missing you? I know that is not what you would want. I know you would want me to find joy today and to enjoy my boys and enjoy being a mom.
As you know when you left this world, my entire being was rocked to the core. I had no idea how much it would hurt. Our brains tell us our parents will leave this earth before we do, if everything goes according to our earthly plans, but our hearts-well that is a different story. Through my grief I went to tons of counseling, read tons of books on coping through loss, and talked to whoever was in the club I call, "My Mom's in Heaven Club." One of the BEST pieces advice I ever received was from Gramzee. She told me whenever I was missing you or on special days, like mother's day to write you. I listened to her advice and oh how it has helped my heart and my soul. I shared one letter on the anniversary of your death with the world. I feel like sharing these letters might open up the door to someone else hurting from their loss to write their loved one in heaven. Do you see Mom, you are gone but you are still touching people and you are still there for people. You were and are so special still.
I want you to know we are all doing o.k. Robin and I are still working well together daily with Dad. Paul and Erin have been a huge help on weekends and still have your devil dog Benji! Paul has kept his word and Benji is still alive and kicking. He has actually calmed down quite a bit, still jumpy, but is very sweet. I now know he was so bad while you were alive because you spoiled him rotten and he was a brat! Chuck is doing amazing and getting married! Yep, getting married and to Renee who you know. She was so good with you in the end and you really liked her so I know you would be and are thrilled! Chuck writes Dad weekly now and every time a letter comes in the mail Dad lights up. It is really fun to watch.
Speaking of Dad, he is doing GREAT mom! He still has good days and bad days, but more good than bad. I know he misses you dearly though. When Barbara Bush died, he was glued to the t.v. and cried a lot. I kept trying to change the channel and he would not let me. I finally got the guts up and asked if watching reminded him of you and he said, "YES! I miss her." He had tears in his eyes and I knew he was trying to tell me something. I asked if watching made him feel closer to you and he said yes and I asked if he felt it was healing. He said yes the tears felt good. So, I let him watch-good or bad I don't know, but I let him do it and I sat and cried with him. A lot of tears were shed that week, but it was good.
My boys are doing GREAT Mom. Sure we have have ups and downs. What house does not with three very active boys! I will highlight the ups as there is no need for you to worry about the downs. Graeme turned 7! Can you believe it? Seven years old! Feels like yesterday I was on bed rest and you were in the rehab facility and I would lie in your bed while you rehabbed! Good times Mom! And remember the ice there? I LOVED that ice! JP, well BIG news here Mom! He is going to New York this summer! He has been cast in Disney and Roger and Hammerstein's DVD of High School Musical Jr! You always said he had the "it" factor and mom he sure does! I so wish you were here to see it! Will, is doing amazing with soccer and he has been picked up by a College Showcase team and will be playing for them. He was picked up by a German Soccer program as well, but we unfortunately cannot do that at this time as he has also decided he wants to be a missionary mom! How beautiful is that? So he will be going to Costa Rica this summer to work in the mission fields. I know you would be so proud of all three of them!
Trey and I are doing great. Trey still dreams of living on the water someday, I just hope he will let all three boys graduate before he moves me, but I am channeling you and living in the present and letting him dream. Dreaming is fun and dreaming is healthy. You would be happy to know Trey is so good with Dad. He helps me pick him up often and he lunches with Dad and I a lot. He and Dad watch a lot of movies together and my heart burst with joy every time I walk in and they are watching something together other than Fox News. That is one thing Dad does too much we think and Trey has figured out the code on getting Dad to watch something else. How sweet is that and how lucky am I to have a husband who loves my father and helps me care for him? So really no need to worry about Dad! He is in good hands Mom!
That is life as of late in a nutshell and I so wish you were here to share it with, but you are not. So as I sit here writing I just want you to know that, yes, this year seems easier, but I still miss you so much Mom! There is NOT one day that I don't think of you and there are a lot of days I wish I could call you. You are still here with me in spirit and I know this and my wish is if you do see this letter mom that you know I love you just as much today as I did the day you left this world, maybe even more and I am so grateful you were my Mom and still are.
Happy Mothers Day Mom!
All my love,
Amy