Option 3!

I had a dream last night and when I woke I could not remember ANY OF IT!  Has this ever happened to you?  It is so annoying!  Especially if you are like me and remember your dreams.  As I laid there trying desperately to go back to sleep, thoughts of my mom washed over me.  This happens from time to time.  I guess it is all part of the thing they call GRIEF.

The day my mom said she was not scared....

This night, for some reason, all I kept thinking of was one particular day when she was in the ICU at Presbyterian Hospital.  This particular day was haunting me.  LITERALLY.   My heart started racing, I tried my breathing techniques I had learned from lots of different sources, and nothing was working.  I decided I had a few choices:

1. I could get up and read or watch a TV show

2. I could keep breathing in and out like I was, but I was getting dizzy!

3. I could just really go back to that day and let whatever it was that was bothering me work itself out. 

I chose option 3.  If there is one thing I have learned from the grief from the loss of my mom, it is that you cannot control it.  You cannot bury it, you cannot swipe it under a rug, you cannot put your head in the sand like an ostrich.  It will not let you!  Trust me.  You might think you are running from it, but the rest of the world sees you and it is there.  So I have learned somedays or nights you just got to roll around in it and get dirty!

As I laid there I really focused on that day that was coming to mind.  I could see the two of us in her ICU room.  She was sitting up which was a huge success and we were talking.  I remember her saying, "I think I am dying Amy."  Very calmly and very matter of fact.  I didn't know what to do with that I remember.  I recall saying, "Are you scared?" She calmly said, "No, everyone has to do it sometime."  

It was all very surreal.  We did not say much more, but I remember holding her hand and just looking into her BEAUTIFUL blue eyes willing her not to die.  Have I ever told you she had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen?  I miss those eyes. 

Thinking back on it that day I wish I would have said more.  I wish I would have asked her more.  She was such a spiritual person and so close to God that I wish I would have pushed more on why she thought she was dying, why she was not worried, or what would she miss the most.  Maybe if I had I would not be so worried about her.  I don't know.

Dying is a scary and uncomfortable thing to talk about.   ESPECIALLY with your mom while she is recovering in ICU.  I feel like I was not finished with that conversation with my mom.  I feel like maybe she came to me in my dream and forced me to deal with that day.  I don't know.  I somehow fell back to sleep because the next thing I remember is my alarm going off.  I think my mom came to me that night and sat with me until I finished our conversation in my own head and came to some kind of peace that she was ok.  

I am still so sad about losing my mom and I still find myself really wondering if she can hear me and see me when I am struggling.  What I am learning through all this though is you have to choose option 3.  You have to face it dead on (for lack of a better word) and look it square in the eyes and deal with it.  Then and only then can you live your life to its fullest and I know that is what my mom would want for me and I am sure that is what your loved one would want too.

Won't you choose option 3 and Choose life along with me?

xo,

Amy

Stumbling in the Darkness

Do you ever find yourself stumbling in the darkness?  I don't mean in the "literal sense", I mean in the "figurative sense".  I know I do and I do quite often.  Usually I can find my way out of the darkness, but there have been two times in my life where finding my way out was like digging through concrete.  

The first time was when I lost our baby and the second time was when I lost my mom. 

Both times I took to my bed and pulled back the covers and drowned out the world with tears and moaning.  Both times I was ANGRY WITH GOD and ANGRY WITH ANYONE WHO TRIED TO HELP.  The pain I felt was crushing.  I cannot even begin to describe it. It was weird, because both times with this pain I felt guilt. Guilt of could I have done more?  Should I have done something differently?  AND GUILT FOR BEING ANGRY WITH GOD.  But, I was!  And it was what it was.

When I look back to those dark, dark, days, I see I was blinded.

Blinded by pain.  Blinded by loss. Blinded by anger.  Blinded by sadness.

I was in the dark. It was not until I opened up my heart and  mind to the Holy Spirit that I was able to see beyond my suffering to the glory of God.  This was not easy either!   It took me literally forcing myself to open this daily devotional I bought.  It did not happen overnight either.  It was a slow painful process, but one I am happy to say brought me to where I am today.  I still have a lot of room for growth, but I am happy to say I have at least opened my eyes to Hope.  Ironically enough,  the book's name is Hope!  

HOPE IN JESUS

Some days this hope just lies in getting through the next 30 minutes and somedays this hope just lies peacefully in my heart.  But I have HOPE!  And I do still stumble in the dark, but I hold onto Jesus and I hold onto hope!

Do you ever find yourself stumbling in the dark?  If you do, I promise Jesus is there!  He is reaching out his hand ready to touch you and take hold of you and your heart and transform your life.  Will you let him in?

xo,

Amy

The One Year Book of Hope (One Year Books)

By Nancy Guthrie

Buy on Amazon

 

She is not here...

Big Day Today!

It's my birthday!

I am 47!

I am announcing my Blog!

I woke up to the sweetest cards and flowers!

WHY AM I SAD?

Sweetest cards, flowers, and chocolate.  My heart is full.

I am not your typical birthday girl.  Birthdays do not bother me at all.  I look at them as gifts.  The gift of another day on this beautiful earth.  But today I am sad.

I sit down to do my quiet time and my mind is racing-So bad I cannot quiet it.  Instead of doing QT I decide to work on my blog.  After all, today is the big day!  There are plenty of loose ends- as this blog is a work in progress.  I decide to try to work on some technical issues (I will not bore you with the details) that I have been struggling with for a while now.  

Long story short, I go into settings to trouble shoot and BAM!  Just like that, on a silver platter, in black in white, are the instructions and help I have been looking and searching for!  For almost two weeks now!  And it hit me!  It hit me hard!  It hit me like a ton of bricks!  

Dear Mom, I love you-Amy

 She is not here!  My mom is not here!

The person who brought me into this world and was one of the first people to see and hold me is not here!  The reason I started this blog is not here!  She has ALWAYS been here on this day and I have ALWAYS spoken to her on this day!    AND NOW SHE IS NOT HERE!  And I am so sad!

 I realized as I begin to cry that the instructions I spoke of-that jumped out at me-were a gift from my mom.  Ironically she was not tech savvy at all!  Heck she barely knew what a computer was!  But, this was her way of nudging me and saying, "Happy Birthday Amy! I am here."  

It was then I realized what a perfect day to announce this blog.  My birthday!  You know why? Because on July 31 of this year, my moms birthday, was when I wrote my first story, but did not publish it.  It was July 31 that I decided it was time.  Now on October 22 I am going to go live with my grief and about one of the hardest losses I have ever wrestled with.  What a perfect day this will be- with the one exception.....she is not here.

xo,

Amy

The Silver Lining of Grief | Some thoughts on losing my mom

Our Time Together was the Greatest Gift....love you Mom.

A friend posted a comment about grief yesterday morning on her social media account.   Her mother too has passed away and reading her post was cleansing, yet it brought up some emotions again.   I cried all day missing my mom.  I thought time would make it easier, but this month has been rough.  I guess that is why they say it takes 12 to 18 months.

Grief is strange.  I don't like it.  It is weird.  The  thoughts, the what ifs. The  wondering if mom is ok, all the while knowing I really am not without her here. 

Silver lining...the funny memories.  My mom was a pistol! A beautiful red headed pistol!

Everyone around knew she was a firecracker!  I think that is where I get a lot of my pop from!  I will never forget one day in the hospital after she had her first stroke, physical therapy had come in to do her exercises and they asked my mom to lift her leg.   I wish I had a video of it!

She threw that leg up so high it almost went behind her head and hit the pillow! Everyone in the room busted out laughing because that was just her personality.  Tell the redhead to do something and she was not just going to do it, she would do whatever you asked and then some just to show off!  She was this tiny little 4 foot something red headed elf that weighed maybe 95lbs... Kind of like a tea cup chihuahua who thought she was a great dane!  She was so feisty and funny!  Man do I miss her and wish I could call her, but I can't.  

So on days like today, when the tidal wave of grief hits, I will  dig in deep. I will be ok with whatever emotions come out me.  I will repeat: I am ok all the while trying like heck to remember something about her that will carry me through.  After all there always is a silver lining - we just have to look for it.

xo,

Amy 

Doubting God

As I sat watching the tragic event of Las Vegas unfold and remembering Hurricane Maria,  Harvey, and Irma, and the earthquake in Mexico and Kim in Korea...My goodness this is a lot of bad I kept thinking to myself!  I started thinking, "what the heck God?!"  I mean my mom's Death hit me VERY hard and I was doubting God, but now this?   This has got to have a lot of believers Doubting.  Unfortunately,  that is what Satan wants which puts him at an advantage.  Which infuriates me so I started wondering how do I get the upper hand on my doubt?  I look Up and look to God and really ask some hard questions.  Satan really does not like this and I personally think he preys on these questions.   

 I think Satan looks at this questioning as a weakness and just can't wait to pounce.  So I decided I would try to Look at it from God's perspective which meant really digging in to my quiet time. Really asking hard questions and crying out to God and asking the hard question, "WHY?"

After Irma hit the beautiful islands I kept thinking....what a terrible loss of life!  WHY?  AND SHE WAS STILL ON HER WAY TO FLORIDA WHICH MEANT MORE LOSS!  WHY GOD!?

Then it hit me!  All loss of life is terrible.  A child dying of cancer is tragic!  It should be against the law for a child to die before their parent.  Someone getting killed in a sudden accident is tragic!  There is no time to say good bye.  My mom, after 80 years on this earth dying, tragic!  I lost my best friend!  And all these people in the wake of these storms or bad dictators.  Tragic!  It is all bad. AND newsflash,  People die everyday!

INTERESTING FACT:  Did you know that 154,000 on average die everyday! And guess what...God knows EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!  

GOD is aware of EVERY single person who suffers and who dies EVERY moment of EVERY day in EVERY nook and cranny of the world.  So while I sat there thinking how unfair and why is it  happening, I had to remind myself of the mom whose child died of Cancer,  or the Friend whose best friend took their life through drugs and alcohol, or the Wife whose husband died in an accident,  or the loss of life to Malaria, to Heart attacks, to head injuries to whatever else...you get the point.  It is ALL bad and it ALL seems unfair!  

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE THE ONE IN THE EYE OF THE STORM and it is your loved one who died.

It is so easy to Doubt God during these times, but what we NEED to remember and what we NEED to hold on to is God created this universe.  God gave us life and He determines the length of life for everyone.  He is simply taking back what is HIS.  WE ARE HIS.  

When we start to doubt God we are letting Satan win and we cannot do this.  We are God's children.  When we are suffering we need to try as hard as we can to see it from God's perspective. Sometimes we cannot see God's perspective until well after the Storm is gone and honestly there are storms we may NEVER know God's perspective until we get to heaven.  So how do we deal?  How do we not doubt?

FAITH MY FRIEND!  FAITH AND TRUST THAT GOD IS INVOLVED IN ALL OUR SUFFERING.  WE MUST HOLD ON TO THE FACT THAT OUR SUFFERING IS NEVER MEANINGLESS. OUR SUFFERING ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH GOD'S ETERNAL PURPOSE.

I do realize that this is so hard to understand.  We are after only human.  So my dear friend, when suffering reaches such an intensity in your life that seems senseless and you just want to give up....it is then and only then that we MUST CLING TO GOD IN FAITH!

DEFINITION OF FAITH:  complete trust or confidence in something or someone: trust, belief, confidence, conviction

So as life unfolds and we suffer tragic events, suffering, and losses.....let us never let go of our faith and God because God will never let Go of you or me.

xo,

Amy

Hello, World!

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Choose Life: On Becoming a Dance Instructor

You guys are starting to learn a lot about me I think through my writing, but one thing I have failed to touch on is my LOVE of dancing!  I don't know what happens to me, but when the music comes on and I begin the steps, it's like I go into this other world.  I am serious! It is like whatever is going on around me just goes away like magic and it's just me, the music, and the moves.  It is very cathartic at times, very healing at other times, and just a full out party.  A party that I get to attend and forget what is happening around me.  

Last July, after a dance class I had just taken, my now mentor, Alana, approached me about teaching.  Her timing could not have been more perfect.  You see, It was in June that my mom started not feeling well and we started trying to figure out what was going on with her.  So when Alana, questioned me about wanting to teach dance I JUMPED at the offer.  

Dancing for me is living.  

I started the training process, and I am proud to say I am now a teacher.  I dance a minimum of 3 days a week, but try hard to go 5.  Believe me, I don't just jump up and say, "It's a dance day!'

No, it is me waking up those days and saying I choose to live. I actually do this most days!  It is hard to get up and get moving.   I totally get and understand the numbing effects of sadness and depression and just not wanting to engage, but I also know that refusing to get up and do something about it is choosing to die.

I know depression is real.

Another side note about me, I have suffered from Clinical depression since the age of 16.  I understand more than you will know, not wanting to get up.   

When life throws pain at you when you already fighting most morning just to get up, well...let's just say, somedays I know it would be so much easier just to take to the bed and NEVER get up.  But you have to!  You have to most importantly for yourself and then for those around you.

So I want to challenge you!

I am challenging you to choose life!  

Choose life, turn toward God and open your heart and your mind  to the new joys in life as well as the additional sorrows.  

Find what will help you dance through life. Who knows, maybe it will be dancing with me!  I would love for you to come to my class!  It would bring me so much joy!  But, if dancing is not your thing, find what is, embrace it. It does not matter how old you are!  Look at me!  I started teaching dance at the ripe young age of 46!  So find it, embrace it, and hold on to it!  

May you too find your dance of life.

xo, 

Amy

 

I Want to Hold Your Hand.....

As I sit here writing, many emotions are coming up....You see my dear friend's father just passed away yesterday and the wound from my own mothers death is so fresh that this has been a very confusing and emotional thing for me as well.  On the one hand I feel selfish for even bringing up my pain....I mean golly, I know exactly what my friend is experiencing and here I am talking about my pain, but I feel like I have sooo much to say for those of us going through our parents (or any loved one really) getting sick and watching them slowly fade away.... that I just want to make sure to get it all out.....So today I confess I am in pain, but I am in pain for a number of reasons.  For my friends loss, for my loss, and for the fact that all of us even have to go through these losses.   It just does not seem fair, but it is a fact of life....the one thing we will all do and experience is death...our own and the death of people we love.  

When I lost my mom, it was like a sword piercing through the core of my soul.  The pain was ruthless.  I was lost and hurting.  She was my BESTFRIEND and we talked daily....and she was gone.....What I learned on my journey with my mom in the end was very powerful and I want to share a little of that today with you.  Some of us are getting to the age where this reality of loosing our parents is right in front of us.  I hate hearing regret stories from my friends of things they would of, or should of, or wished they did differently....or sadly,  did it all.  So today I am going to share with you about things that I did that actually helped me as my mom progressed in her journey towards Heaven and I think they probably helped her too when Jesus reached out his hand and said, "come fly with me...Your family will be ok....."

This past week as my friend and I stayed in touch and as the nightmare of her fathers condition played out all I kept thinking about is what did I do to help myself and my mom when we were in our nightmare?  It was actually very simple, but it is very hard for some to do.  Some people are scared or uncomfortable around sick people.  I mean all those machines and tubes and doctors and nurses...And the words that name all these crazy conditions.....the names of all these conditions are so long and foreign that you end up googling them and that is the WORST thing you can do!  Trust me!  Every patient is unique and Google is not your friend!  You can't be strong for your family member and your family around you when you google this mess and it basically says...DEATH!  You just can't!  And miracles happen!  I believe in them!  I really do, but sometimes, miracles are not in the cards...so when they are not you got to dig in deep....You don't google!  You pick up your loved ones hand!  You hold their hand....you kiss their forehead....you tell them over and over again how much you love them, you hold their hand  and  you tell them how proud you are of them. You hold their hand and you talk about the good times...I even talked about the bad times and how we grew from those times...and you hold their hand!  I keep going back to holding their hand....you know why?  Because I so desperately wish I could hold my sweet mama's hand one more time...Trust me on this...when they die it is a matter of minutes and that shell of a body is just that....it is no longer your loved ones hand....It is a weird rubbery hand!  You think I am kidding...I am not! It was so weird for me!   Just like that she was gone and so was her loving touch....And all that was left was this weird hand that was not hers but was hers!  So listen to me friends...HOLD THEIR HAND....and if you have to share their hand just touch them!  I promise.  I have alot of siblings and everyone of my siblings have a significant other....I get sharing...so touch them....and touch them often and whisper I love you, because I so wish I could hold her hand.....

xo,

Amy

It all started when....

It all started when...

My sweet mom and bestfriend got sick...and it has been on my mind ever since...I need to blog about this....I need to write for therapy and for an outlet.  So here I am today starting my journey with you and I have no idea where it will lead us, but I am hoping we will have many laughs, maybe some cries (you know a good cry is very cleansing), and who knows....maybe you can learn from some of my mistakes....maybe I can learn from you....whatever happens I know it will be an amazing journey....so grab a cup of joe and lets get to know each other.  I promise it will be worth your while.

xo, 

   Amy

 

Redheads are God's way of giving the world Roses.....I love and miss you  mom....Amy

Howdy!

I grew up in the small north central Texas town of Graham, Texas, now known as Graham America.  I am number three in the line of four kiddos and I can honestly say I had a beautiful up bringing out there in the country!

COLLEGE LIFE AND MARRIAGE...

I went to college at University of North Texas and Texas A&M where I met my husband in 1991.  Long story short, I followed him to Texas A&M my junior year (who does that! I guess I do) and when he graduated he told me if I would hurry up and graduate we would get married.... so I hauled my hiney back to UNT,  graduated,  and well....THAT DID NOT HAPPEN...after NINE years...YES you heard me right!  NINE years of dating off and on we FINALLY married in December of 2000 and we are still going strong to this day.  We have three beautiful boys and one angel baby in Heaven.

WHY THIS BLOG.... 

In December of 2016 I lost my best friend, my confidante, and my angel on earth.  I lost my mom....and this rocked me more than any other loss of I have ever experienced.  My mom knew ALMOST everything about me...the good, the bad, and the VERY VERY UGLY side of me that my baby brother, Paul,  has so eloquently named TAWANDA.  My mom loved all parts of me, even Tawanda.  I called her daily and on average we talked 5 days a week.  When she left this earth and went home I can honestly say I was lost.  This loss has challenged me on many levels but most of all this loss has challenged me in my faith.  I am hoping through this blog I can grow stronger than ever in my walk with God all the while making you laugh!

DREAMS AND HOPES FOR MY BLOG...

 What I can promise from this blog is some yummy recipes (I do love to cook), HOPEFULLY some funny stories, probably some not so funny stories, because I promise to be real, and let's face it life is messy sometimes, I might have some words of wisdom here and there (if I do it will be from something I learned from someone much wiser than myself!) and one thing I will not promise is fashion sense....I try so hard here, but I am a dance teacher for adult fitness and my wardrobe consists of black tights and black tops....I will challenge myself in this area and maybe with your advice I can grow here...because Lord knows I am not fashion savy!  

Love of my life and best-friend.

In a nutshell, I am married to the love of my life and my best friend. We have three beautiful boys and a dog named Zoey.  My father lives with us during the day and my sister Robin at night and I survive on bullet proof coffee, God, Dance, and my amazing family and friends.  I am Amy Berry and I would like to be your friend!

xo,

Amy

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