Telling God What I Think
This morning in my SOLO bible study, my live out portion of the study was to write a letter to God.The instructions say I am to write a letter to God telling Him what I think about Him and how He is operating in the world. It told me to include the good, the bad, and the ugly….to be thoughtful and honest and even raw if I need to be.
Is that odd or is that God that this would be my assignment at such a time in our history? Makes you think…….
Dear God,
Today’s live out assignment is to write you a letter. A letter of honesty about my feelings towards you and how I feel you are operating in the world today. This is a pretty big assignment if you ask me. The truth is I feel love from you. That part is pretty easy.
I am lucky to have been raised by two very holy people who taught me that God loved me. As I have gotten up there in years it has become very apparent to me that some of my friends and acquaintances were raised thinking you were a punishing God. A God of abuse of sorts. When I hear this, it breaks my heart for them. The most punishment I ever felt from you was when my family would go to Church when all the visiting priest came to town and we would go to confession. I remember I would go to a priest that I thought did not know our family well and I would confess all my sins. Of course I was only in my tweens and teens and it was before I discovered sex, drugs, and rock and roll, so my sins consisted of not honoring my mom and dad, fighting with my brother, lying to a friend, cheating on something, and there may have been a wreck or two in my parents cars that I lied about and seriously got away with! That could be part of the reason my nick name was CRASH! The worst punishment I received was 10 Hail Mary’s! That’s it! And I was free and clear. It was easy. Go behind the curtain, tell of your wrongs, listen to the man behind the curtain tell you, you are are a child of God, He came to forgive you, and go say X amount of Hail Mary’s. Easy peasy right! Until I got a little more mature.
Once I got a little older in my teens and my brain started developing, the truth is I started lying in the confessionals. Not lying really, just withholding information if you will. Why? Probably out of shame or laziness because in my mind if you REALLY knew (I obviously had not grasped that you are an all knowing God), what I had done I would be sitting in that pew for hours doing Hail Mary’s because you would have been disgusted with me. So I just withheld the information.
I think what happens when we withhold from you, it digs a black hole of shame in our hearts. I think your enemy, Satan, loves that! I wish I would have just let it out all those years ago because I think what happens when we start digging that hole, we keep digging. Until it is pierced all the way through and hollow. Some of us are lucky enough to meet someone, or find a group of people, or a book, that helps us to slowly fill the hole. I was one of the lucky ones. I am filling my holes, but I have plenty of friends and people I know and love who still hide behind that shame. It breaks my heart God. I wish they could feel the love I feel from you even knowing I am stained, torn, ripped, dirty, and plain worn out in some sinful areas. I know that you love me regardless and with all of that sin. I know that you sent your son for me and the world so that we would be forgiven. Once I grasped that, like really grasped it, I realized that yes, I will still sin, but I am more aware and I try much harder to go against the grain of the world and to live like Jesus. Which quite frankly can be boring, no fun, and A LOT harder. BUT, you are also showing me how it is more rewarding, peaceful, and full of JOY, LOVE, WARMTH, PEACE, COMPASSION, COMFORT, WISDOM, and A LOT less fear than others.
Now, am I saying I am rid of fear or sin? Heck no God! I still have it and speaking of fear, what in the world are you doing in the world today? Is this a flood like Noah, or are we in the dessert, or is this a plague, a sign? I mean there have been tornadoes, hurricanes, fires, now this virus? What is happening? Are you trying to get the worlds attention? LAWD knows you got mine! And I am like, “What the hell is happening?” I remember telling Trey one day on a walk, “If this is it can Jesus just rise us up already so we don’t have to hear all the grumbling among neighbors, the death among loved ones, the fighting among political parties, the conspiracy theories, and the fears in our children’s voices, and in our hearts and minds?” It is really scary God.
I personally , me Amy Berry, feel like we are having to choose who to sacrifice. Open up the economy and we sacrifice elders and those with autoimmune and whoever this virus attacks, but has no rhyme or reason to attack, it just does and they die. Keep the economy closed and we lose people to mental health and addiction because they can’t feed their families or make rent and they are scared and feel worthless so they shrivel up and die. Whether intentionally through suicide or unintentionally through hunger, addiction, or stress. This is how I feel? We need a miracle. Whether it is a drug to fight the virus, or a vaccine to prevent the virus, or quite frankly the truth about the virus….which honestly I don’t know if anyone really knows besides YOU! Point is I am scared for my boys, my family, my friends, and myself. I honestly want life to go back to how it was before the virus. And God you and I both know my life was not peaches. My family was still in a pickle, but truth is I was O K with it just being my family in the pickle. Now it is the world. And sometimes I get scared.
I know I need to let go and SURRENDER! I know this! I have been working on this with my own family! Surrendering and realizing I am powerless. I am powerless over addiction, mental health, teenagers, others beliefs, how they live, and now this virus. I realize that my mind becomes unmanageable with this virus A LOT! Especially when I turn on the news or go to my neighborhood chatter on facebook. I end up in this rabbit hole that I have a hard time coming out of it. I let all the negative energy suck out my goodness. I NEED TO SURRENDER this virus, other’s opinions, and the media to you! You can restore me to sanity when I do this!!!! You do EVERY STINKING TIME! When I finally raise my hands up and say, “I SURRENDER!” And truly do it, the warmth that over comes me is unreal. It is in those moments that I turn it over to you and let go and let you! It is in the moments where I feel peace. Like right now writing this letter. Oh man what peace this has brought me. You have us, don’t you God? You know what our future is and you know we will get through this. You hear our every cry and you will answer us. Sometimes not how we like, but if I am being honest and I am, every answer you have given me, whether it was what I wanted or not has turned out beautifully. The only ones I don’t like are the ones that involve death. Death scares me. And I hate not being with those that have gone before me, but I have zero interest as you know in joining them at this time. I am just letting you know death in one area I still don’t get. I know, someday I will, but let me be CRYSTAL CLEAR….I really don’t want that someday anytime soon….I got dreams and desires…course you know that and that will be for another letter another day. Until then, thank you for bringing me full circle. Thank you for reminding me in this letter and in this exercise how you know! You are in control. The only thing I am in control of is me and the rest I GET to surrender to you and you will carry it. Thank you for that God! I love you dearly!
IWALY!
Amy
PS…..if you took the time to read my letter to God, first off thank you and secondly might I challenge you in doing this same exercise. I would love to know if you do and how you felt afterwards. I feel GREAT!!!!!!
Until Next Time,
XO,
Amy
This is my daily devotional and there is an online community of about 1900 plus of us! We would love for you to join! You can start from the beginning as they are all recorded or you can pick right where they are at….believe it or not I am a little behind….but it is way o.k.! I still get so much from it and would love for you to join! Message me if you are interested! XO, Amy
