The Slow Break UP
Dear Will,
Today you turn 18! I can hardly wrap my head around this and I can assure you I cannot wrap my heart around it. I know in my head I should be so happy, but I would be lying if I told you I was. Why? Because my heart is crushing inside. Crushing because you are becoming a man and I don’t think I am prepared for this and I don’t think there is a rule book out there to help me get ready.
Where is my little boy?
Miss Rainey sent me a post about this, just this the other day. Thank God I waited until later in the day to open it because I was a blubbering idiot by the time I was through listening to it. However, everything the post touched on talked to me. It is a slow break up watching you and your brothers grow up and become men. Yes it is the natural order, but no it does not feel good. And YES I feel so selfish because there are too many moms out there who do not even get the chance to experience this day because their sweet children have left this earth and have wings now. I know that all too well after all my work with kiddos with cancer back in the day.
Did you know Will that my dream use to be to have a camp for terminally ill kids? Did you know you got to experience that with me when you were only 7 months old? You and I flew to Aspen, Colorado to spread the ashes of one of my amazing kids at the camp I use to go to with kiddos with all kinds of special needs. That was my last time to go to Challenge Aspen. When Lea died, a part of me died, so I know how selfish I am being by not wanting to let you go. Lea was not even my own, but she sure felt like it. I am so grateful to Cindy and Steve and all the time they allowed me with her…..but how selfish can I be when I have experienced so many kids like Lea not making it to this stage in life?
Sweet Lea!
It’s funny too because I cannot speak from experience on this with girls, but I sure can with boys, and you have already stuck your foot outside the nest if you will. What do I mean by this? I mean, the minute you and your brother hit high school and started experiencing real independence you truly just used our home for room and board. I don’t mean this in a negative way either. I mean this in the way that maybe that is how God designed it. To make it easier on us mamas with young men.
So son, today, to the world you are no longer a boy, but a man…..I think for me a part of you will always be my little boy, but I am so incredibly proud of the young man you have become. I am in awe of your ability to stand up for what you believe in, your creativity, your work ethic, your ability with others and how kind you are, your love and patience with your father and I, your ability to forgive me quickly when I have made a mistake in this job of motherhood, your uncanny way of knowing when I am struggling emotionally and the way you are there for me, your patience with my mom when she was alive and now my father, your love for your brothers, the way you stand up for John Paul and who he chooses to love, your courage to start your own business, your grit and determination with your business, your willingness to be open and honest with your father and I, and the courage to always speak to us, even when the topic is ugly, and your sense of wonder for the world amazes me. YOU MY BOY AMAZE ME! You will go far my love and you will do well. You can be and do anything you want to Will Berry! I believe in you!
So you growing up and “breaking up with me” means I have done my job…..It hurts like hell though, even though this is what I want and what you need. I want for you to grow up I also know I am capable and will let you go because my biggest desire is for you and your brothers to have a healthy, wonderfully beautiful, fulfilled life. Well, the only way you guys can do that is by leaving the nest.
Just remember Will, I will always be your mom and I will always love! No matter what I will always love you. But I am no longer the sun in which you spin around…..So while I learn our new relationship and how and what is appropriate to express my love for you, please know son I am so proud of you and I love you to the moon and back and fifty million times over!
Love you most said it last!!!!!
