Mother's Day is coming...How do you feel about that?

Mother’s day is coming…How do you feel about that?

I am having ALL kinds of emotions.

On the one hand, my mom is gone which makes it hard, but honestly, each mother’s day gets a little easier. You know the old adage, “time heals". It really does, although I freaking hate that saying. With that being said, I have so many friends that this is their “first” and my heart hurts for them. I remember like it was yesterday. The first is the worse!

I think I feel more pain for my friend’s hearts this year than my own. I remember that pain. It’s like an open wound that is bleeding and you pour hydrogen peroxide all over it and it just foams with pain. I know you know what I am talking about and to my friends that are going through this pain I say write your mom a letter. I know it sounds crazy, but I promise you this, it works! It truly works. Get yourself a beautiful candle, a cup of hot tea, find a quiet spot and just write your heart out to your mama. Everything you wish you said, everything you know she knows, and anything else. Tell her how things are going, just like she is here. It sounds crazy but there is something so healing about journaling.

Another emotion has sprung up this year….

This year I find my heart is breaking for the woman who has miscarried or lost a child. I had the privilege of speaking this past week to the women of Twelve 12 Ministries. While this was such an honor it brought back so many feelings. Feelings from when we lost our angel baby.

I remember thinking will anyone remember I am a mom of three. At the time we lost our baby  I only had Will and JP and I wanted people to remember I had an angel baby and I was a mom of three. Nothing has changed in those emotions except that now I am a mom of four and I can’t help but think of the beautiful women out there that have no babies on this earth, but they have angel babies and I am sure they are thinking the same thing. Or the woman like me who is blessed with children here on earth, but she too has an angel baby. I know what they are thinking and feeling…. Will anyone remember and will anyone see me as a mother? My answer to them is YES! I DO! I see you and you are a beautiful mom! You are not invisible.

I see you and I want to celebrate with you! I want you to celebrate you. No matter if your child was in your womb 6 days, 6 weeks, 16 weeks, born but not living, or born but left us too soon…No matter how long, they still lived and you still loved them, YOU ARE STILL A MOTHER, and Mother’s Day is for you too!

So, how are you going to celebrate? You can celebrate even if those around do or not.

I have an idea or two. First, write your sweet baby a letter. Just like I told my friends above writing is the key to opening up your heart and soul. Writing is therapeutic and can take you to places of freedom no one else can. Trust me on this. So write your beautiful baby a letter. Tell them how much you love them and let them know you are ok knowing they are watching over you. After writing your letter go outside, move your body, connect with nature, and look for your sweet baby in the sun, the flowers, and the trees. Maybe plant a tree or flowers in honor of your child. If creativity lights your soul on fire, get creative. Paint something, make something, choreograph a dance in your babies memory. Whatever creative outlet you choose, do it in honor of your baby. Getting creative can be so therapeutic.

Wherever your pain is on this mom’s day, pull out those photos and remember. Where ever those keepsakes or photos are, pull them out, look at them slowly and remember. Maybe start a keepsake box as a beautiful way to remember and celebrate those you are missing.

Buy flowers! Flowers always make a room brighter.

Visit wherever you use to go with your mom and remember those precious moments….or visit a place you wish you could have taken your child go….sometimes leaning into the grief is more healing than avoiding it.

And finally, if you know someone going through the same pain….text them, call them, or write them. You might know how they are hurting or feel forgotten. Tell her, you love her…you see her….listen to her….you both will heal.

But hear me when I say this…There is no guilt or shame if you do NONE of these things…I want you to feel the freedom to do one, none, or all of these things. Maybe for you, it is best to stay in those jammies all day and under the covers. If that is the case, I get you and I see you. You are loved and so is your mom and or your child. You do whatever is best for you on mother’s day. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to celebrate mom’s day their way. You do it your way. Whatever your pain is. Don’t wait for someone to do something for you. You choose how to celebrate this first mom’s day without mom or baby.

Just know you are not forgotten. I see you and I am here for you.

XO,

Amy

PS…if you are looking for a community that can build you up and support you during your grief journey, join me and my amazing friends for free in my Facebook Group SOUL GOALS

Freeze and Freak...an Internal Struggle!

Ever have one of those days that you just are in a funk? No real reason or maybe there is one, but you know there is nothing you can do about it and that you should just stay present, but your mind keeps going. Ya, I am having one of those days.

I find for me as a mom these kind of days happen more when change is coming. It is an anticipation to the, “what will it be like?” I have shared with you before that I suffer from depression. It is under control, but it is under control because I choose to take my meds daily and I go to counseling and seek help-a minumim of once a month. I am not afraid to ask for help or go more often if I need, and I do not shy away from calling a friend or mentor when I need talk. However, there are times when I feel it coming on strong…..like right now.

Friday, the boys will be getting out of school. This overwhelms me more than I can even begin to explain. My head starts spinning, I start breathing and I shut down. It is almost like I become frozen. Anyone else have this? It is crazy! I have friends sending me dates their kids will be in camps, other friends sending me flight itineraries to camps the boys will be attending with them, and still other friends literally asking me to their summer homes on specific dates and I can’t function. I have calendar. I have a pen. I have a computer. But for some reason I freeze and freak out internally!

It is really quite ridiculous and being aware of this is not enough. Then it gets compounded with a three day holiday weekend which always is hard for me and end of year school activities. This year has been worse for me and I think it is because I have an incoming Senior and we are already having deadlines and meetings about next school year. I want to shout at the top of my lungs, “I can’t even schedule a trip that the dates have been laid out for me perfectly and you want me to schedule next year!” This is real people and I know I am not alone.

Ok…if you are like me and you freak out…this journal will do you good! It is my Daily Deposit Journal and you can get one at www.macymcneely.com

So how am I going to tackle this? Well I could break it down to very simple: start with one day at a time…..maybe even one hour at a time. This is hard for me. ESPECIALLY if I forget one thing…. I have to wake up with God. No lie. If I miss this, then I might as well hang it up, UNTIL… I realize that was the step I missed and I start over right there in that moment and go to God. Then I breath. Then I write down 5 things I must do that day. ONLY that day. And sometimes I have to really prioritize this.

Example: Yesterday was Friday, May 24. I still did not have JP’s plane ticket for June 22. Well we all know if I did not jump on that the price was eventually going to go up so this definitely had to be on the list. Here is a list of other things that were possibilities….Will’s passport to the church. Get June calendar written down (JP summer school schedule, JP is gone, Will is gone, VBS), figure out when JP back in July. Decide when the family trip can happen because June is shot with both boys gone and summer school and JP starts Phantom rehearsal on August 5. Decide sleep away camp for Graeme. Decide day camps for Graeme. Teacher gifts. End of year Party. Baseball game schedule this weekend. Work schedule when I need subs. Will’s add for yearbook NEXT YEAR (NUTS). Will’s senior calendar activities prioritized (this has me so frozen). You get the point….I know I am only capable of 5 things and I have all that AND all the while I am thinking I suck because I don’t have Graeme signed up for ANYTHING but VBS and his other friends moms have spreadsheets of what their kid is doing this summer. JP’s friends are getting headshots and auditioning in things I have never heard of. Will’s friends parents are planning their Senior Trip for next March (I am talking 2020 people) and all their parties and I have yet to even get a gift for his friends that are graduating THIS Friday! You see what I am doing here….I am comparing myself and my family and do you see what it does! It freezes me! It freaks me out! And when you have depression it is not good because it shuts you down and it makes you want to run and hide!

It is real people and yes it affects someone as outgoing as me! Someone who is alive can die a slow death by choking on fear and suffocating on comaprison. Someone who is perfectly capable of prioritizing, making lists, and making things happen, can shut down. Happens to me all the time! Happening right now as I type. And if you are someone like me, know you are not alone. Also know there is hope! You can do this! I can do this! We can do this! And we will! One day at a time! One prayer at a time! One list at a time! One task at a time!

So this summer is coming in hot and it will happen. The kids will get to their camps. They will get a vacation and August will hit and I will freeze again just like I do every August. When that happens I will read this and I will remember to start my day with God. Breath. Make a list. One foot in front of the other. One step in the right direction is a step in the right direction. AND I AM NOT ALONE!

Until next time,

XO,

Amy