Freeze and Freak...an Internal Struggle!

Ever have one of those days that you just are in a funk? No real reason or maybe there is one, but you know there is nothing you can do about it and that you should just stay present, but your mind keeps going. Ya, I am having one of those days.

I find for me as a mom these kind of days happen more when change is coming. It is an anticipation to the, “what will it be like?” I have shared with you before that I suffer from depression. It is under control, but it is under control because I choose to take my meds daily and I go to counseling and seek help-a minumim of once a month. I am not afraid to ask for help or go more often if I need, and I do not shy away from calling a friend or mentor when I need talk. However, there are times when I feel it coming on strong…..like right now.

Friday, the boys will be getting out of school. This overwhelms me more than I can even begin to explain. My head starts spinning, I start breathing and I shut down. It is almost like I become frozen. Anyone else have this? It is crazy! I have friends sending me dates their kids will be in camps, other friends sending me flight itineraries to camps the boys will be attending with them, and still other friends literally asking me to their summer homes on specific dates and I can’t function. I have calendar. I have a pen. I have a computer. But for some reason I freeze and freak out internally!

It is really quite ridiculous and being aware of this is not enough. Then it gets compounded with a three day holiday weekend which always is hard for me and end of year school activities. This year has been worse for me and I think it is because I have an incoming Senior and we are already having deadlines and meetings about next school year. I want to shout at the top of my lungs, “I can’t even schedule a trip that the dates have been laid out for me perfectly and you want me to schedule next year!” This is real people and I know I am not alone.

Ok…if you are like me and you freak out…this journal will do you good! It is my Daily Deposit Journal and you can get one at www.macymcneely.com

So how am I going to tackle this? Well I could break it down to very simple: start with one day at a time…..maybe even one hour at a time. This is hard for me. ESPECIALLY if I forget one thing…. I have to wake up with God. No lie. If I miss this, then I might as well hang it up, UNTIL… I realize that was the step I missed and I start over right there in that moment and go to God. Then I breath. Then I write down 5 things I must do that day. ONLY that day. And sometimes I have to really prioritize this.

Example: Yesterday was Friday, May 24. I still did not have JP’s plane ticket for June 22. Well we all know if I did not jump on that the price was eventually going to go up so this definitely had to be on the list. Here is a list of other things that were possibilities….Will’s passport to the church. Get June calendar written down (JP summer school schedule, JP is gone, Will is gone, VBS), figure out when JP back in July. Decide when the family trip can happen because June is shot with both boys gone and summer school and JP starts Phantom rehearsal on August 5. Decide sleep away camp for Graeme. Decide day camps for Graeme. Teacher gifts. End of year Party. Baseball game schedule this weekend. Work schedule when I need subs. Will’s add for yearbook NEXT YEAR (NUTS). Will’s senior calendar activities prioritized (this has me so frozen). You get the point….I know I am only capable of 5 things and I have all that AND all the while I am thinking I suck because I don’t have Graeme signed up for ANYTHING but VBS and his other friends moms have spreadsheets of what their kid is doing this summer. JP’s friends are getting headshots and auditioning in things I have never heard of. Will’s friends parents are planning their Senior Trip for next March (I am talking 2020 people) and all their parties and I have yet to even get a gift for his friends that are graduating THIS Friday! You see what I am doing here….I am comparing myself and my family and do you see what it does! It freezes me! It freaks me out! And when you have depression it is not good because it shuts you down and it makes you want to run and hide!

It is real people and yes it affects someone as outgoing as me! Someone who is alive can die a slow death by choking on fear and suffocating on comaprison. Someone who is perfectly capable of prioritizing, making lists, and making things happen, can shut down. Happens to me all the time! Happening right now as I type. And if you are someone like me, know you are not alone. Also know there is hope! You can do this! I can do this! We can do this! And we will! One day at a time! One prayer at a time! One list at a time! One task at a time!

So this summer is coming in hot and it will happen. The kids will get to their camps. They will get a vacation and August will hit and I will freeze again just like I do every August. When that happens I will read this and I will remember to start my day with God. Breath. Make a list. One foot in front of the other. One step in the right direction is a step in the right direction. AND I AM NOT ALONE!

Until next time,

XO,

Amy