F.E.A.R.
Fear! What does this word mean to you? For me Fear is a nasty word. It is what keeps me up at night. It it was makes me freeze on decisions or getting things done. It is what causes me anxiety, panic, or feelings of guilt and loneliness. It is one ugly word and emotion if you ask me.
The true definition of fear is:
An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.
The feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone.
The likelihood of something unwelcome happening.
And last but not least a mixed feeling of dread and reverence.
Fear is ugly. Fear is unforgiving and fear is daunting. What is it we fear? For me it was:
F. Future: The what if's.
E. Evil: It is everywhere.
A. Abuse: Of substances.
R. Rejection: From people
Yep! There you have it! These are the things that use to freeze me! These things use to keep me up! And sometimes they still do. True confession! The future can give me so much anxiety and not for me, but for my kids.
As a mom, I'm constantly living in fear for them! Maybe you share the same fears and together we will see we are not alone. Maybe you will think I am nuts and hey, that is ok! And maybe you will question me since I talk about my faith so much, but there is a devil and he finds his way into my life and the battle is constant.
Let's look at MY FEAR.
F
Future. Yall I am not kidding you when I tell you God and I have an ongoing conversation about the future. I find myself talking to him daily, begging him to allow Trey and I the opportunity to grow old together, watching each boy grow up doing what they love; to marry a person of God that he is preparing for them; having children all the while Trey and I getting to be a part of their lives. Already having one baby in heaven has created consistent fear of loss forcing a fight to put my boys future in God's hands.
E
Evil! It is a raging monster, lurking in the media, schools, homes, places you expect to be safe, but are really the safe haven for the beast... Evil scares me. Evil that could happen to my kids. Evil that could happen to me. Evil that could happen to my marriage. Evil that could happen to you. It is real, it is present, and it is everywhere just waiting to pounce.
A
Abuse. Substance abuse is something common in most if not all families. Often times it is not as profound, but I bet it is there. As my boys have become teenagers this is a constant fear of mine. At this day and age they could take the bait and think they are just going to "try" something. Something that leads to the big monster of addiction. I have seen it in our family and it scares me that it could happen to one of our own. It is a concern that keeps me up at night and on my knees praying, "Please God do not let this happen to our kids."
R
Rejection. Rejection from Trey because my youthful appearance and figure is slowly fading. Rejection from my kids due to misunderstandings on both sides. Rejection from my friends because I am not pretty enough, cool enough, funny enough, or whatever enough! Rejection, a sucky word with all kinds of angst.
When I sit here and evaluate my fears of the future, I realize some have relentless thoughts rattling through their heads of regret. At this moment in my life I can honestly say I am ok with the past, but that can change at anytime. For now most of my real fears are for the future, and maybe that is in part because I am a mom...I don't know.
In my journey in understanding my fear I have started a ritual. First thing in the morning I get up, push start on the coffee maker, and sit down in our recliner and spend a minimum of 15 minutes with the Lord. I have a beautiful daily devotional that I dig into and really read and listen to what God is saying to me. Before I open it though, I ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit, and open my ears to what God has for me to hear. What I have found by doing this is I am actually wanting to dig into the stories of the bible more. I am not about to sit here and say I can recite bible verses, but I can share stories now which is very exciting for this ex-Catholic! I am here to tell you, the Bible is a fascinating book. Filled with all kinds of nuggets of wisdom and hope.
I have to also confess that this little ritual of mine did not happen that long ago. It came to me in the throws of my depression and grief from the loss of my mom. This past summer I decided I needed something. I did not know what it was, but I needed something. I tried to dance away the pain, binge watch mindless tv, eat away the pain, drink away the pain, whatever away the pain, but the pain was not leaving and something was tugging at my soul. My boys were becoming teenagers and all those fears above started rearing their ugly thoughts and I needed something. It was the perfect storm of fear, loss, and grief.
What changed? Well, one day while I was losing myself in the abyss of facebook. I saw a post from a friend who lost her son, my biggest fear. This friend of mine was handling it with a grace that was UNBELIEVABLE! Reading about her walk in her faith amongst my biggest fear and amongst her loss, well something in me came alive. She spoke of a particular author and book she was reading to help her through her time of loss and I ordered it right then and there. It was then that I started my routine and then my fears started to lose their grip. The hold they had on me started to fade and my faith started to grow. It was then that I felt God for the first time in a long time and it was then that I started seeing my anxiety go down and my peace go up. Want to know what else happened. My definition of FEAR changed:
F
Fierce. God's love is more fierce than my worst fear and more fierce than your worst fear.
E
Eager. God is eager to have a relationship with me and with you!
A
Amazing: God's grace is so amazing and bigger than my greatest regret and bigger than your greatest regret!
R
Reckless: God's love is overwhelming reckless for you and for me!
Bottom line, what happened, God happened!
What is your FEAR? Is it what mine use to be and can still be at times? Is your fear regret? Whatever it is, might I suggest you taking some time daily to be in quiet and listen and see if you start to feel God's love. Make your own effort to sit down in the quiet and watch the miracles happen.
Until next time!
xo,
Amy
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