Not the First and Not the Last
I don't know about you, but I find myself making mistakes daily. Some days are just a series of tiny mistakes that really amount to nothing, but every once in a while I make a BIG MISTAKE. When the mistake involves my kids I feel awful. I call these moments MOM FAILS. Every time it happens I find myself apologizing and feeling really lousy about myself. Has this every happened to you? If so, you are not alone.
Last Saturday, while Trey was away with our youngest, Graeme, I asked the bigs for a date night with me. WELL THAT WENT OVER LIKE A PARTY! NOT! So we compromised and they agreed to go to Church with me before they went on their merry teenage ways. I was soooooo Happy!
This particular Saturday, our church was wrapping up its series on giving. When the service was coming to an end, our Pastor Paul, asked the choir to sing one last song before the benediction and asked the congregation to consider their gifts to the church for the next year. I looked over at Will and he was reaching in his pocket! I was mortified! Was he seriously reaching for his PHONE?
I leaned over and quietly whispered, "Please tell me you are not reaching for your phone..." With a look of disappointment, he shook his head and pulled out his billfold and put $5 of his own money and a card in the offering. The look in his eyes was pure sadness as he laid his money and the card in the plate. It crushed my heart. I had totally doubted him! REALLY DOUBTED HIM. WHY? Because he is a teenager? Because they all live with their phones attached at their ear and fingers? Because I had not stopped to see before I spoke? Maybe all of the above but the real point is I had not given my son the benefit of the doubt.
When the service ended and we began to walk to the car I began asking for forgiveness as fast as I could. I was crushed, Will was crushed, it was just bad. Will had two tears roll out of his left eye and calmly asked, "Why do you always doubt me? Why do you always assume the worst of me?"
This was like an arrow to my heart. He was right though. I doubted him and I assumed the worst. I sat in the car quietly for a moment then I turned to him and said, "Son you are right. I do. I am so sorry! You are so right though. I promise to try harder and not doubt you. You are a great kid! I am so sorry." He pushed me harder on why and I told him I was not really sure.
I do this with my boys quite often I must confess. They are both good boys and for some reason I ALWAYS assume the worst. Maybe it is because I know how difficult I was growing up. Maybe it is because I live in fear of them going down the wrong path. Maybe it is because I listen to so many stories of teenagers...I don't know what the reason is, but I do doubt them EVEN BEFORE THEY GIVE ME REASON TO DOUBT THEM.
FEAR
It is all fear driven. I know this. And I know what the solution is! GOD! Put them in God's hands. Hand them over. Ask him to protect and guide them. This is so hard! But it is the only way.
GIVING IT TO GOD
I promised Will and JP that day, that moment, in our church parking lot, that until they gave me reason to doubt, I would trust them. I told them I would try harder and put my fears and doubts in God's hands and let him guide them. I promised that I would ask God daily to let them be a light to others and a leader.
As we were pulling out and heading home I asked Will what the card was that he had put in the offering. He began to tell me a story about a man who helps the homeless that he had lunch with at Whataburger! The man gave him the card of his ministry and Will prayed over it then put it in our church offering in hopes that our Church would pray over it as well. Talk about a moment of mixed emotions! Pride and disappointment in myself as a mom. How could I doubt such a beautiful young man? How could I be raising such a beautiful young man? Well folks, I did and I am . I am sure this will not be my last time for a mom fail...but I promise I will work harder at giving these doubts and fears up to God. What are you giving up to God these days?
xo,
Amy
