Do you remember who you were before the world got a hold of you? Think about it for a minute. Meditate on it.....Now think about who you have become. Do you like what you see, what you feel? I know I do now, BUT it has been a long time coming that is for sure.
Life is hard and the world is hard on us, which makes us become hard on ourselves. For some reason we stop opening our hearts and we stop being who we are meant to be and we become frozen in who the world tells us to be. Why? I believe there a lot of reasons and I am old enough that I cannot fall on the blaming the "technology train. " There was T.V. back when I was growing up and magazine stands and somewhere along the line, the beautiful Marliyn Monroe faded into the sunset and our idea of beauty and power became the cover of every magazine.
We have lost touch of what beauty on the inside is because we are so focused on what beauty on the outside is and how maybe that could bring us power. I know I was terrified of life and being who I am really am on the inside. Which honestly is so much more beautiful than what is on the outside. Think about it. How many people have ever said to you, "Your outside beauty brought me so much courage and strength, that I know I can get through this situation!" SAID NO ONE EVER! Well maybe someone has, but I can assure no one has ever said that to me.
I know I use to think if I was just pretty enough someone would love me, but guess what, how could they if I did not love myself? Loving myself had nothing to do with the size of my jeans or the tight tummy I had and could show off in bikinis. Believe it or not, I am more confident now in my bikini and I have little jiggle in each every step! You know why that jiggle makes me happy? Because I have three miracles to show for it and one in heaven. I could lose that jiggle if I really wanted to. That would require some extra work and honestly I am ok not being a size 2-4 anymore, as long as I am healthy, fit and happy. I truly am, but it is because I am going back to my roots
What was I like? I can tell you I was creative, I was spontaneous, and I had a sense of adventure in me. When I look back over the years and try to discern how I lost it, it always seems to come back to outwardness. If I was this size, if I wore this, if I had this skin care, if I have this friend, if I do this volunteer job or committee, if I get invited to this event.....if....if....if.....when I look at all those if's I see sadness, fear, loneliness, and doubt written all over my face, even when I was smiling. I see a little girl trying to live up to the world's expectations and not to who she was brought to this earth to be. Sure I thought I was a badass and beautiful, but I was honestly terrified and frozen and probably did not even know it a lot of the time.
Then mom got sick and my world went upside down, but a beautiful thing happened....she and I would talk about the past and remember things I did and loved. I started remembering my roots.
I started to realize how much I miss that girl, the one I tried to hide because the world might think she is strange, different, or no fun. I realized I needed her. I needed her confidence, her free spirit, her passion, her fire, her creativity and sense of adventure. I needed her to show me that I did not need the next drink to be fun and people to like me. I needed her to show me that yes going to bible study actually was a fun thing and very healthy for my mind. I needed her to say, yes go to a dance class. Have fun, you can do it, and you will love it! I needed her to remind me of what and who my priorities are and that my friends will love me regardless. I needed her to remind me, when my priorities are in tact, I can say no because I don't need affirmation from others just because my name was on some committee or because I got invited to some event. I needed her to remind me that while I do have many responsibilities in life, I need to make space for myself....whether that is through, dance, writing, spending time alone, or with others, I need to remember to love me. Then and only then can others love me. I want to bring back the good parts of my old self!
I want to mold my old self with the wisdom I have gained in my new self over the years through good times and bad, sad and happy times, healthy and not so healthy times. I want to be more open and passionate about my life. I want love and respect who I have become. I have decided to bring back the best of the old me and blend it with the best of my new self and even though I am no longer a size 2-4 I am happy and confident and I am ready to love me.
So my challenge for you my dear reader is, during this beautiful month of February. let's all remember who we were before the world told us who we should be. Let's bring back the good parts of us and mold them with the beautiful parts of who we are now and let's watch the miracles unfold when you really do become our true selves.
For as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "To be true to yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
xo,
Amy
